crazy slowly going am I....

Not sure why I'm here right now. I'm livid with hubby, but I'm sure we'll get over it. Lately most of my problems have been mostly me, but today he yelled at me and put his hand in my face, and that hasn't happened since hubby #1, and I had to physically remove myself from the situation. I still feel all knotted up....trying my deep breathing....in with good, out with bad...yeah f- that.

So i hate my job with all the passion in my being...no really. If it weren't for Raul I think I'd honestly go crazy. Really. Completely. Lord, why can't music pay the bills?? WHY?!? My house stays in a constant state of mess. I'm not really a complete slob, like hubby, but I work all week and have church and swim meets and all that other bullshit stuff and when am I going to have time to clean?!?! I get up, get 2 kids ready so that one will be ready when daddy leaves at 7, and the other one has to be ready at the same time so that I can get ready...because if I leave it to her, we're late. Then it's 5 blocks to school, kisses, 3(ish) blocks back to the bus, then the train ride is the only time to myself. Thank god for my ipod. I zone out and listen to my music. I'm at work by around 8:45, and if I'm lucky, I get coffee...then I deal with bullshit all day. if it isn't from a guy at the counter, then it's from a lawyer or my boss or prisoners calling. Then I leave at 5, home by 5:45(ish) dinner made, baths, ready for bed...then Mon and Wed I have choir and handbells....if not, then kids to bed, then I do what little straightening up or cleaning or laundry that I need to get done just in time to completely collapse. If you are still reading, thank you. I just need to vent because I am unhappy with my life. I hate this apartment. It's a good size with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, but it's falling apart and water leaks in places, and we get mice, and the damn dog shits the steps and we are so messy and have too much stuff. I also hate that I'm not doing my music as much as i should be...and I should be, because it's what I do. I am in such a better mental and emotional state when I am playing out regularly. Something has to be done about that. Also, I've lost 40lb, and have gotten down to almost a normal size, while hubby is still huge and unhealthy. I cringe every time we go someplace to eat and he orders a damn cheesesteak. I tell him lovingly that I would really like for him to get in better shape because I don't want to lose him before the kids grow up. I don't think he cares. I think he is one of those where it is going to take something happening to get him to wake up...so with that, I kinda feel like we're on the same road but going in different directions. I don't get the kind of attention that I want either. I mean, he is a wonderful hubby, and i'm not in hubby bashing mode or anything, but tell me my hair looks nice, or you like an outfit, or just hug me sometimes. I don't think it's too much to ask. I don't know. i don't know what's going on, but I don't like it, and I'm unhappy, and I'm not completely sure how to get happy. I'm working on it though.