i want him to come home....

He went to a movie with his friend and I am lonesome. I want him to come home, slide into bed with me and hold me all night long like when we were first dating. I used to fly up to philly, and the last night of being here was always so sad because I was leaving, and he would hold me tight all night, and everything would feel so amazing. I want to feel cherished and respected and loved for who I am. I want him to nuzzle into the nape of my neck and rub his beard against the back of my earlobe. I want the romance and the excitement and the goosebumps that I got 2 years ago. We are still supposed to be newlyweds...so where did it all go? I love him, and I don't want to be so used to him. I still want electricity from a kiss...but I rarely even get a kiss anymore. It's hard not to think that it's me, but wrong to think that it is. We are both busy and tired. I do not doubt his love, nor mine, but I want to be all giddy and bubbly about him like I used to be.

looking back

Spoke briefly with an old friend today. Was led to a blog, perhaps for bragging rites? I dunno, but it is very interesting. It's interesting to hear how much someone else loves someone that you used to love. It's so strange to look back at that time in my life, and how different I am now. There are so many things that I can look at in my past that are big deals, but did nothing to affect the way that I am now; but to look back to a time in my life when things were so different...and to know that that time and the person that I spent that time with completely shaped who I am today..... the events that occurred back then define me now. I don't know why I keep dealing with this over again in my head. I do not love him at all anymore..but my heart literally physically aches when I think about how much I LOVED him. I would not be the person that I am, had I never met him or had him in my life....whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen....It's just so weird, for lack of a better word, to hear someone else feel for him what I felt....to know and to be able to relate to the things she says about him....it's just weird. She seems to be a nice girl. She is a musician.

Why the hell didn't I finish school? I would love the right to say that and mean it. "I am a musician..." Back in GA I used to say it all the time; back when I lived with mom and was out playing and singing every weekend, and had no other livelihood but that....but now, I feel like I have to say "I work for the court system, which absolutely sucks, and I am a complete and utter sell-out and slave to the system, despite my absolute pitch and above average vocal abilities....because I couldn't get serious enough about what I really wanted, because when I was 19 I messed up and got pregnant, and pretty much screwed my chances of becoming a rock star..." but that sounds like I resent my kids, which my have been the case way back when, but I wouldn't trade them for the world now...not even for a record deal or a chance at the Mozarteum....

I'm just sick of wondering what would have happened if.....

How much do I love these girls?? More than I could ever explain....but when they are this precious, how could you not love them?!? 

Happy Birthday peanut!!! Oh, how we learned to love cake.... 

getting over it...

I have to find a way to deal with the stress in my life. It has begun to affect my health, and that is just not cool. I love my children and my husband, but I let everything get to me. The real problem is me, and I think I am finally starting to realize that. I have to get myself in order. I need to take it day by day, and not look at the big picture as much. If I can do the things I need to do today, then I have accomplished much. One day at a time is how I should do it….now the only problem is doing it.

I’m sick of bullshit. I’m sick of fake people. I’m sick of being driven crazy by people. If I had finished school, I’d have a job that I loved, and I’d be surrounded by educated, mature people…instead of uneducated abusers of the English language who only got where they are because of who they know.

I don’t mean for this to be a blog full of bitching and complaining, but that is how it has seemed to turn out. When I am reminded of my mistakes every day, I just get frustrated.

Until I know that I have no reason to worry about my health, I will worry and be stressed and scared, and think about all the things that could possibly be wrong with me. I hate feeling this way, and I think deep down, I know I’m fine…it’s just all the waiting on the tests results that really sucks. I hope everything is okay…I’m not sure I could deal if it’s not.

I think that if something seriously was wrong, then I would have worse symptoms. I don’t know if I’m just telling myself that to help me feel better or not. I tend to over react and get all crazy over things, and I am trying to stay calm. I will deal with whatever happens. It’s better to know, I guess.

what i am listening to....

I had forgotten until recently how much I love this band.....lyrics for your enjoyment....

Jump Little Children
"Come Around"

Ceramic tile floor fluorescent

Yellow iodine

I can feel your presence

Sedated by the heavy medicine

And come around,

come around,

come around

The flowers aren't worth keeping

The roses broke my skin

I'll pretend your sleeping

Or you fainted from the lack of oxygen

And come around,

come around

Don't you leave me here to let you down

Now I'm going home

and I've been patient,

I've waited a lifetime

Now I'm going home

and I am tired

of waiting a lifetime

Sentimental letters

Brightly colored ink

Saying, "Please get better"

I'll place them by the lilies in the sink

And come around,

come around

If you could feel it, I'd give a kiss

If it would get through, I'd whisper this

Not while your sleeping...In my safe keeping...

Faded iridescence

From your silhouette

A stare illuminescent

I haven't given up on you just yet

And come around, come around

Don't you leave me here to let you down
Now I'm going home
and I've been patient,
I've waited a lifetime
Now I'm going home
and I am tired
of waiting a lifetime