The box of Lemon Coolers Girl Scout cookies

...says "reduced fat"..... and that is my rationalization for eating the entire box.

crazy slowly going am I....

Not sure why I'm here right now. I'm livid with hubby, but I'm sure we'll get over it. Lately most of my problems have been mostly me, but today he yelled at me and put his hand in my face, and that hasn't happened since hubby #1, and I had to physically remove myself from the situation. I still feel all knotted up....trying my deep breathing....in with good, out with bad...yeah f- that.

So i hate my job with all the passion in my being...no really. If it weren't for Raul I think I'd honestly go crazy. Really. Completely. Lord, why can't music pay the bills?? WHY?!? My house stays in a constant state of mess. I'm not really a complete slob, like hubby, but I work all week and have church and swim meets and all that other bullshit stuff and when am I going to have time to clean?!?! I get up, get 2 kids ready so that one will be ready when daddy leaves at 7, and the other one has to be ready at the same time so that I can get ready...because if I leave it to her, we're late. Then it's 5 blocks to school, kisses, 3(ish) blocks back to the bus, then the train ride is the only time to myself. Thank god for my ipod. I zone out and listen to my music. I'm at work by around 8:45, and if I'm lucky, I get coffee...then I deal with bullshit all day. if it isn't from a guy at the counter, then it's from a lawyer or my boss or prisoners calling. Then I leave at 5, home by 5:45(ish) dinner made, baths, ready for bed...then Mon and Wed I have choir and handbells....if not, then kids to bed, then I do what little straightening up or cleaning or laundry that I need to get done just in time to completely collapse. If you are still reading, thank you. I just need to vent because I am unhappy with my life. I hate this apartment. It's a good size with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, but it's falling apart and water leaks in places, and we get mice, and the damn dog shits the steps and we are so messy and have too much stuff. I also hate that I'm not doing my music as much as i should be...and I should be, because it's what I do. I am in such a better mental and emotional state when I am playing out regularly. Something has to be done about that. Also, I've lost 40lb, and have gotten down to almost a normal size, while hubby is still huge and unhealthy. I cringe every time we go someplace to eat and he orders a damn cheesesteak. I tell him lovingly that I would really like for him to get in better shape because I don't want to lose him before the kids grow up. I don't think he cares. I think he is one of those where it is going to take something happening to get him to wake up...so with that, I kinda feel like we're on the same road but going in different directions. I don't get the kind of attention that I want either. I mean, he is a wonderful hubby, and i'm not in hubby bashing mode or anything, but tell me my hair looks nice, or you like an outfit, or just hug me sometimes. I don't think it's too much to ask. I don't know. i don't know what's going on, but I don't like it, and I'm unhappy, and I'm not completely sure how to get happy. I'm working on it though.

blah....

So there has been another delay. Not completely my fault….our old computer kinda quit….well, not kinda. It completely quit. We had to get a new one, and husband insisted on this certain one that was at the store that had all these rebates and was really gonna be a good deal… and then he went and bought it, and it was an okay deal, but it was nothing like what he told me, but it’s a lot better than the one that wasn’t working at all. So anyway, I’m finally up and running.

So where to begin this update?!? I could write about New Years Eve, and how great it was to be with friends and how my friend Jonnie’s son taught Ana how to play chess. We had fireworks, and the kid banged pots and pans and stayed up way too late, but it was NEW YEARS EVE, MOMMY!!!

So that’s that. We came back to Philly with this god awful crazy weather that can’t decide weather to stay cold or hot or rain or snow. In 3 days we had 60 degrees and rain change to 20 degrees and snow. It is simply ridiculous, and it messes with my head, and it needs to stop. Seriously, I thought I was going to have a nervous break down. Thank you, Ativan.

Have I mentioned lately that I’ve decided that I am the next American Idol?

I had one of my epiphanies yesterday. It wasn’t really an epiphany. It was something that I’ve been aware of for a while, but I wasn’t completely sure what was happening, or maybe I just wasn’t ready to do what I had to do…but I’ve decided that this isn’t my life. What I am doing now is not what I was born to be doing. I am not supposed to be stuck here in this strange complacency. So, I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to be. If this is not my life, then DAMMIT, I’m going to make it what it should be. It’ll be all good. I’ll let everyone know how that works out for me. Peace.

sorry for the delay...

it has been one hell of a week here in Llama land... the holidays were hectic, the trip was crazy and we have all had that dreaded icky stomach flu. I seriously thought I was going to die. I dont get sick. I simply do NOT get sick...ever...until last Thursday...

Let me back up tho.

Christmas was grand. Pattie made a glorious dinner - that was early for our benefit - and things were very nice. Billy got me a couple of books. We had already decided not to spend a lot of money on each other, especially since my new tatt is considered part of my birthday and Christmas presents. The kids were spoiled by the extended family, as usual. Then it was time to be on the road.

Billy drove the whole time, 6.5 hours to Virginia. The last few hours were in a horrendous amount of thick, low, nasty fog. We had to slow our speed to WAY slow and watch for deer. I swear, VA does it to us every time. There is always a complaint about VA. We got to the hotel, and basically all collapsed to bed. The next morning, I was ready to go at like 6am, and so i got everybody up, and we headed to GA like a bat outta hell. We got to my brother's house in Rome, which is nice, but Rome itself sucks. I went to college there, back when Shorter was known for it's music program. I had a full scholarship...but Rome is completely the pits. We used to say - "Rome if you want to, and I DON'T!!!" - we lovingly referred to Shorter as "shitter"...those were the days, but I digress...

So we get to Rome and my sister and mother came over and we had pizza dinner and that was fun to have the whole family around. My brother has become such a redneck. His house is nice though, even if it is in Rome. So the next day we went to C-Vegas to hang out and see people. Ana's dad actually called and came by to get her, and mom wanted to spend some time with Maura, so that let us to ourselves in the booming metropolis that is Crittersville. We went to the pub and had yummy beers and played a game of scrabble. We stopped by a few people's houses. Then, that night was the concert.

Every year, between Christmas and New Years, there is an annual "young artists" concert called "Home for the Holidays." It features musicians that are originally from Cartersville that have gone on to study music. I performed the first couple of years, but since I have moved, it's kinda hard to get in touch with me. I like to be in the audience anyway. The first girl that sang was about 19-20 years old, and I actually have known her since she was a baby. She had the most lovely voice. She sang the Laughing song from Die Fledermaus completely effortlessly in a key that was insanely high. She sounded like Kathryn Grayson. It was beautiful and light and just amazing. Several of my friends sang other things; one girl sand something from an American Opera that was absolutely beautiful, and another friend did an incredibly difficult Handel ( i think)....another friend who is studying at NYU played some Beethoven on the piano, but the creme de la creme was my friend Phil.

Phil was a freshman when I was a senior. He was horribly annoying, but I had known him from All-State since he was in 7th grade, and I have always done well at tolerating people. He looked up to me, i think. I was one of the big fish in the sea when I was at CHS, and he aspired to be one. The first time I heard him sing after his voice change, he sounded like something close to an ailing duck. He was on key and has always been good technically, but the overall quality of his voice was not so hot. He studied hard though, and followed me to Shorter, sang in the Chorale and worked very hard. He is now an Artist in Residence for some Opera in Tulsa and is about done with his Master's at Indiana. When he opened his mouth to sing last Tuesday, I cried like a baby....it was so beautiful.

And then he sang the Largo al Factorum from Il Barbiere Di Siviglia....which for those of you who don't know is very recognizable if you ever watched Bugs Bunny. The whole "Fiiiigaro figaro figaro...." He did it so well. He's actually doing the roll at IU in February. I'm going to see if I can't fly up and see him. He was come so far. It was lovely.

more later, i promise.

uhhhh...groan....ick...

What the hell am I doing up so damn early?



i'm getting too old for this.


Happy F-ing New Year everybody.