So i had this epiphany yesterday.... It was very strange, and I'm not sure how much of it i'll write about, considering my audience. That being said, if you have any questions, feel free to comment, and I'll elaborate if need be.
The things is that there used to be this person in my life. This person is not in my life at all anymore. I loved this person completely and unabashedly. I learned things that made me who I am from the relationship that I had with this person. Because of this person, I am who I am today; I do the things I do and live the way I live. This person loved me in his own way. He understood my insanity and my comings and goings. There was a time when I would have done anything for him. He will forever be a part of my life and I am forever changed having known him.
He wasn't an exceptional person. He didn't ride in on a white horse and sweep me off my feet. He did little things to show me how he felt. Some of those things he didn't even realize. We had a genuine and pure relationship. He knew me inside out, and I knew him better than he probably wanted me to.
Things ended horribly, and I couldn't wish anything but bad things for him. For years, I wanted to see him suffer. I wanted to see him hurt the way he had hurt me. I wanted someone to completely crush him; to bring him beyond his knees to the ground.
Until yesterday.
My hubby was cleaning out a closet and found something that belonged to this person. It's something that he probably doesn't realize that I have, and that I kinda knew I had, but had forgotten about it. It's something that he would probably like to have back, and it actually went through my head to wrap it up and send it to him for Christmas. Then came the epiphany.
I no longer wish terrible things for him. I no longer want to see him hurt. We are both totally different people now, better or worse, richer or poorer, fatter or thinner, and there is no reason why we both don't deserve happiness and peace in our lives. This came to me all of a sudden. It was very odd, and still kind of is. I sat there and thought about it a moment. I tried to wish that his girlfriend would suddenly hate him and break up with him and stomp his heart out, but that wish wouldn't come. I have a peace about my past with this person now, and it's really fucking with me. This is something that I have been unable to be peaceful about for a lot of years.
So, I wrote more than I thought I would, and if you read this, I love you. Not in a romantic or sexual way. I love the person that you are....because that person helped me define me. And come to think of it, I think you knew that's what you were doing the whole time.
Merry Christmas. No Christmas Ficus this year, okay?
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