Liberty Overalls.....

I had the weirdest dream on Friday night about a guy that I was briefly involved with. It didn’t work out romantically, but we remained close. He was in love with me, and didn’t mind telling me that all the time, but I never felt the same way. I tried to feel it, but it just wasn’t there….and I know how shitty it can be to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back….that’s another blog for another day….I was up front with him. I told him that I loved him as a person, and I appreciated the beautiful and wonderful person that was he, but that the romance type love just wasn’t there. He was a big man. He was taller than I and worked as a bouncer and as security at a few local Atlanta places. He led somewhat of a tragic life. His father committed suicide when he was young, and he dropped out of high school to care for his ailing mother, who died young as well. He was in bad health, but it was almost inevitable for him. He developed some serious problems, but gradually was trying to make himself better. I tried to stay there for him. I talked to him on the phone almost daily, and went to visit him as often as I could. He always told me how much he loved me, and how he understood that we could never be involved, but he appreciated our friendship, and I cherished it as well. He was a sweet, sweet man with just a bad deal of the cards.

The dream disturbed me. I woke up and suddenly wanted to talk to him. Right before I moved away, I talked to him. He had some surgery and was waiting to be placed in a rehab facility, and wasn’t sure where he would be. I left him all f my information and told him to get in touch with me as soon as he had a stable place to stay. He assured me that he would get in touch with me. He knew my mom as well, so he knew that he could call her if he lost my info. I told him to make sure and stay in touch with me. I told him that if something happened to him, no one would call me, because no one knows how to get in touch with me.

And no one did call me. I googled his name and found an obituary. I found an obituary that was over a year old. My stomach rolled around. I started to shake. I couldn’t believe it. I read it again and again, making sure that the birthday listed was his…making sure that the name was the same..and it was…right down to the middle name. It was plain as day and I am sad. I am so sad that no one got in touch with me. I am so sad that I didn’t try harder to stay in touch with him. Maybe there was something I could have done to help him. He used to always call me when he was down. I would promise to stay on the phone with him until he felt better. I feel terrible that he is gone, and worse that an entire year has passed….and still worse that I never got to say goodbye.

Goodbye, R. Even though I couldn’t love you the way that you wanted me to, I did love you. You were unique and special, and you didn’t deserve all the bad things you had to deal with in life. Thirty-five is way too young to die. I hope that wherever you are is kinder to you than this life was. You deserved so much better.