looking back

Spoke briefly with an old friend today. Was led to a blog, perhaps for bragging rites? I dunno, but it is very interesting. It's interesting to hear how much someone else loves someone that you used to love. It's so strange to look back at that time in my life, and how different I am now. There are so many things that I can look at in my past that are big deals, but did nothing to affect the way that I am now; but to look back to a time in my life when things were so different...and to know that that time and the person that I spent that time with completely shaped who I am today..... the events that occurred back then define me now. I don't know why I keep dealing with this over again in my head. I do not love him at all anymore..but my heart literally physically aches when I think about how much I LOVED him. I would not be the person that I am, had I never met him or had him in my life....whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen....It's just so weird, for lack of a better word, to hear someone else feel for him what I felt....to know and to be able to relate to the things she says about him....it's just weird. She seems to be a nice girl. She is a musician.

Why the hell didn't I finish school? I would love the right to say that and mean it. "I am a musician..." Back in GA I used to say it all the time; back when I lived with mom and was out playing and singing every weekend, and had no other livelihood but that....but now, I feel like I have to say "I work for the court system, which absolutely sucks, and I am a complete and utter sell-out and slave to the system, despite my absolute pitch and above average vocal abilities....because I couldn't get serious enough about what I really wanted, because when I was 19 I messed up and got pregnant, and pretty much screwed my chances of becoming a rock star..." but that sounds like I resent my kids, which my have been the case way back when, but I wouldn't trade them for the world now...not even for a record deal or a chance at the Mozarteum....

I'm just sick of wondering what would have happened if.....