Yowza!

Okay, peeps. Not gonna talk about the divorce here except to say that it has been ugly, and only seems to be getting worse....

and that it doesn't *have* to be that way.

I'm working on finding a more private outlet, to vent while still protecting myself. Get with me and i'll get with you when i figure out what imma do.

until then....

the calm before the storm....

It has definitely been a whirlwind several weeks for me. Truth be told, I’m not handling things well; I’m barely handling things at all. I feel like I’m being pulled in different directions, and none of them seem to be the direction that I want to take with my life.

Needing to figure it out.
Break it down to wonder what is right; what went wrong, if anything;
Hard ships and heartbreak and fences to mend with chains breakable to a fault
Frustrations fuel the confused chaos already maddening in my mind

My head hurts.

I want to live for me and do what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to answer to anyone or anything that tries to tell me any different. I don’t want to be judged for following what I want or doing as I please, regardless of the outcome. I want to learn for myself and take things head on.

Lost time to make up for; lost life to gain
Through experiences only I can know or tell…..

I probably am a shitty mother. I probably do have a mental stability issue; I probably always have; But that’s not my cop-out, my excuse for the way I am. I am sure that I am not happy and I’m sure that I don’t need anyone to get me there and make me otherwise.

I want to be the one to find it, figure it out, lay it aside if it needs to be, and pick things up where I left off if they are worth it. I want to touch lives, and have lives touch me, and be better for it without the obligation.

Everything seems to suffer for it, and I don’t understand why I should too. It’s black and white and I know what I have to do; and with minimal discomfort and complete unselfishness to those who mean the most…to those who’ll hurt the most.

To lay it out on the line scares the shit out of me. To have it happen when I least expect it scared me even most. To hurt the ones I care for the most scares me more than all fear combined.

I face it and move on.

Forward.

Too stagnant for too long and
Too young not to go for it and too old to think it’d be realistic and
Too insane not to try.

You tell me things I need to hear, and should have heard all along, but never had. I knew this, since I had had it in another, and then when things got rough the turned tables flipped up and knocked me out completely on their way. I was never the same since. All that talk of walls being built and jaded and guarded. Yeah. That wasn’t me, but it was, and I left it internal. I bottled up and I’m okay, and I’m dealing and I’m making other people happy and I’m living life for everyone else to make everyone else the way they want me to be.

Promises - Fugazi

Words
Words and expressions
All these confessions
Of where we stand
How I see you
And you see me
Dedications of symmetry
Together we will be
forever.
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see it through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
There were no truer words than when spoken
Let that stand as it should
There was nothing left when broken
We grab anything when we fall
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see us through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
You will do what you do
I will do what I do
We will do what we do
Rearrange and see it through
Go where you think you want to go
Do everything you were sent here for
Fire at will if you hear that call
Touch your hand to the wall at night
Promises.
Words.

good lord....

So....

my girls wake me around 7:45 this morning. I know that I have lots on my agenda today, so I get up and put on a different shirt with my pajama pants. We have nothing in the house for breakfast, so I figure the girls and I will go grab something and then go food shopping. I gather all the Sunday editions of the paper that have been collecting on my balcony for the last month (I only subscribed to get the coupons - that I never use) and i spend about a half hour going through about 2 months worth of coupons, put them in a baggie in no type of order, and pile the kids into the station wagon, cuz i'm cool like that...that's how I roll.

So we venture to the Dunkin Donuts, and proceed to completely take it over, but they know us well, so they have my coffee and my bagel ready, and the kids have finally decided what they want...so we order and we sit down, and then utensils start to fall on the floor and so we have to get more, and then Maura realizes that her hands are sticky and that she needs a wet paper towel and proceeds to pour water from my water bottle onto the pile of napkins sitting on the table. I'm hold hot coffee, and trying to stop her, I spill scalding hot coffee on my leg. I stay calm. I clean up. We are finally finshed with breakfast, and we leave. I should have taken them home at this point.

I should have taken them home.

So we get to the supermarket at around 9. I'm stoked because it's still early and because it's Saturday morning, and so the supermarket is still a little quiet..at least for the next hour or so. i get a great parking space, and we all go into the store together and then it starts. Anyone with children that are old enough to talk and recognize labels know exactly what I mean by this. I want to strangle every advertiser who thought it would be cute to put Dora on a box of ANYTHING, and every one of the people that make all the artificial preservative full CRAP that "EVERYONE else ALWAYS has in thier lunch EVERY day.." Excuse me for caring about the long term health and well being of my kids!!!!

So my children are running up and down and up and down the aisles and I'm trying to shop and they are asking for everything, and Maura is trying the apples and Ana is begging for some sort of cereal made from Recees cups and Maura is fighting over kinds of yogurt because the one kind has Dora on it and Ana needs glitter pens for school and Maura really wants a toy and Ana would buy it for her if she had the money, but she can't find her money, and will i spot her some money becuase she is sure that somewhere she has lost $18, and she really needs construction paper and new crayons because all the other ones are broken, and Maura's life isn't complete without the Elmo juices and we HAVE to have the string cheese, and why can't we get the cookie dough with the jackolanterns on it for halloween, since it's so close, and look at the cute coupon dispensers that we have to stand in front of and pull every coupon out of until they no longer spit coupons and then never understand why I don't need the little gummy fruity things, because I have 5000 coupons now, and how I can't get the spaghetti sauce that says this on it, because the coupon is too specific, and then my cell phone rings, and it's my friend in GA who is about to have a baby, so I'm talking to her and then Maura has to go to the bathroom - which in a grocery store is always 200x worse than even the most disgusting gas station bathroom - so i make Ana stand with the cart, and i'm on the cell phone and lining a toilet seat with toilet paper, and I keep getting a beep on my phone because hubby thinks that I just don't hear the phone, and I get done with the bathroom and fight to get hands washed - PLEASE - and then I get off the phone and try to talk Maura into the riding in the cart, and she stands up and puts her arms around my neck while my hands are full and jumps out of the cart and lands flat on her tailbone on the hard floor and starts to scream and then I finally get done, and of course there are only 4 checkouts open - and 2 of them are for 15 items or less, and all 4 have lines at least 5 people deep.....so I get in line and am bagging groceries,

and I ask the checkout lady if they have valium...and she says yes they do, in the pharmacy, but you have to have a prescription....

and I'm thinkng that at this point, I could convince any doctor in the land.

and I finally get home, and get groceries put away, and discover that mice have gotten into my tea and my dried beans, so I have to throw it all away and clean out the cupboard and rearrange things..

and I find myself looking at the clock...trying to decide if it's too early to open that bottle of wine I put in the fridge last night to chill...

it's not even noon, people.

beginning the 4th week...

10.6 down.

it's getting easier.

week one

7 lb down.

93 to go.

FAGE total 0% Greek Yogurt is delicious.

Trader Joe's rocks.

Thank you and have a great week.

i'm going do it...

I'm going to Weight Watchers tomorrow. Sean and Megan have collectively lost about 300lb.

No time like the present.

here goes nothing.

go cliff.....

whenever I think of Cliff I am taken back to a certain transaction in my life between the two of us. I think he was a freshman, and I was a junior...at any rate, i knew he was destined for greatness.

go cliff....

Someone said that “Sympathy and offering condolences is what people do to cross the indifferent chasm of not giving one rats ass about someone being dead.”

And though I understand why the person said that and where it comes from, I disagree with that statement. Sympathy and offering condolences is what people do when they feel that there is nothing else that they can do. Offering sympathy for me is not an attempt to pretend to know how you feel, nor is it me thinking I can help you feel better in any way. My words are not “nothing.” Others’ words may be, but mine are sincere.

It sucks that your friend died, and I feel badly for you because it must absolutely suck to lose your oldest friend. I tell you I’m sorry because I am. I care about you, your feelings, and your well-being. You are one of my dearest friends, and I love you very much, and I am honestly sorry that your friend died and there is nothing that anyone can do. I won't feel bad for 15 minutes and put it on you. You are already a person who I think about almost daily....I know that you have emotions and that they are different and ugly and messed up, but that doesn’t mean that words of sympathy and condolences offered mean nothing to the people they are coming from.

I am not going to tell you about how I hated him. I didn’t know him well. I liked him. I liked his cocky attitude and opinions. I liked his conspiracy theories and unique sense of humor. I liked that he spoke his mind, even when everyone else in the room disagreed. I like that he didn’t give a damn. To say that he didn’t leave anything meaningful is bullshit. The fact that you have things to write about him show that he left behind something meaningful, however minute it may be.

We will all die with things left to be done, and things we wanted to do. Even the ones who do everything will die with things left undone, sights left unseen. Death is never on someone’s calendar. Death is never in the plans or in the works. Even death expected is shocking. It’s all part of the conspiracy theory of life.

We may be irrelevant in the big picture, but we are not irrelevant to each other. People forget people who are still alive..what’s the difference in forgetting the dead? The difference is that the dead are not forgotten as easily because of the realization that there is no chance of ever being in contact with them ever again.

He would have called us idiots, because that was his way. It doesn’t mean we are.

YAY!

It snowed on Thursday night. I LOVE cold. I LOVE snow. And this year, for the first time since I was a little kid, I think I may be looking forward to Christmas! Don't worry, to those of you that know me...i'm not listening to Christmas caroles or anything, but I've caught myself singing 'Jesu Bambino' and 'Hodie Chritus Nautus Est' a few times.

things are getting kinda funky.

i wish i could play the bass guitar....

i love my hubby.

i love my new kitchen table and matching china closet. my mother never even had a china closet.

i love that when I said "i'm going to put this in this drawer of the new china closet, but I want to use the other drawers for placemats and napkins, ok?" that my husband's answer was "whatever you want to do, it's your china closet."

i love that he went out and bought it for me even tho when we saw it in the store he said that he didn't like vintage and that it looked "too retro."

i love that he is helping me clean so that my house will be presentable for my mother and Colin coming in.

i love that my friend jon is a brilliant writer and that he sent me a copy of his latest work and signed it for me and all, and that I had no idea that it was coming and that it's so close to my birthday that i consider it a birthday present and it makes me happy.

i love that my best friend is getting better.

i love that she makes me think about being better.

i love that i have her in my life and still feel close even when we're so far away.

i love that she didn't disappear when i had my second wedding. i'm glad she was there.

i love that i did a blog today because my head aches from stress and lack of sleep and need to write.

i love that I actually picked up my guitar yesterday and remembered how to play some stuff....pixies rock.

i love kim deal.

Jocilyn.....

Why do things happen. People ask these questions all the time, knowing that there is rarely an answer.

Joci was such a beautiful and genuine person. She moved here from Oregon to go to school. She was my favorite of my sister's roommies. She was the only one that ever hung out with me, or came over later to see me.

Ana loved her so much. I don't think i'm going to tell her what happened.

I love you, Joci and missed you before I even knew you were gone.

The do-rag was created for you.

i wanna warm you up...

jumpin on the south beach wagon....

it was so hard to throw away that yummy hot beautiful flaky crossaint this morning after I took the egg off to eat for my breakfast.....

so i really want to go to my class reunion in november. mostly, i'd like to go as an excuse to go to c-vegas and see L and B, and my sis, and her baby. hubby had said that we'd check on the finances.

so today only, plane tickets are $66, one way.

and hubby decides to tell me that he doesn't want me gone from him and the children that long.

and it makes me very sad because I am so very homesick and friendsick.

I found this on MSNBC powered by MSN Video and thought you might be interested in it.

Click this link

http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?g=6ab03f03-7a66-4378-8443-ef3afe82bab8&f=00&fg=email

Pray for Peace

Pray to whomever you kneel down to:
Jesus nailed to his wooden or plastic cross,
his suffering face bent to kiss you,
Buddha still under the Bo tree in scorching heat,
Adonai, Allah. Raise your arms to Mary
that she may lay her palm on our brows,
to Shekhina, Queen of Heaven and Earth,
to Inanna in her stripped descent.

Then pray to the bus driver who takes you to work.
On the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus,
for everyone riding buses all over the world.
Drop some silver and pray.

Waiting in line for the movies, for the ATM,
for your latte and croissant, offer your plea.
Make your eating and drinking a supplication.
Make your slicing of carrots a holy act,
each translucent layer of the onion, a deeper prayer.

To Hawk or Wolf, or the Great Whale, pray.
Bow down to terriers and shepherds and siamese cats.
Fields of artichokes and elegant strawberries.

Make the brushing of your hair a prayer,
every strand its own voice,
singing in the choir on your head.
As you wash your face, the water slipping
through your fingers, a prayer: Water,
softest thing on earth, gentleness
that wears away rock.

Making love, of course, is already prayer.
Skin, and open mouths worshipping that skin,
the fragile cases we are poured into.

If you're hungry, pray. If you're tired.
Pray to Gandhi and Dorothy Day.
Shakespeare. Sappho. Sojourner Truth.

When you walk to your car, to the mailbox,
to the video store, let each step
be a prayer that we all keep our legs,
that we do not blow off anyone else's legs. Or crush their skulls.
And if you are riding on a bicycle
or a skateboard, in a wheel chair, each revolution
of the wheels a prayer as the earth revolves:
less harm, less harm, less harm.

And as you work, typing with a new manicure,
a tiny palm tree painted on one pearlescent nail
or delivering soda or drawing good blood
into rubber-capped vials, writing on a blackboard
with yellow chalk, twirling pizzas--

With each breath in, take in the faith of those
who have believed when belief seemed foolish,
who persevered. With each breath out, cherish.

Pull weeds for peace, turn over in your sleep for peace,
feed the birds, each shiny seed
that spills onto the earth, another second of peace.
Wash your dishes, call your mother, drink wine.

Shovel leaves or snow or trash from your sidewalk.
Make a path. Fold a photo of a dead child
around your VISA card. Scoop your holy water
from the gutter. Gnaw your crust.
Mumble along like a crazy person, stumbling
your prayer through the streets.

~Ellen Bass

my wedding gig....

this'll be short and sweet.

--sang at a wedding for a former co worker. ex-boss was there.

I totally kicked ass on the Ave Maria

in b flat, thank you.

okay, off to the reception.

goodbye

oh god, i'm doing it again....

yeah.

so.

I was listening to my ipod this morning on the way to work, and I heard this song...just like I do all the time...but today, the lyrics really got me. Someone out there must need to read them, because something out there told me to post them....

Imperfectly by the one and only, Ani Difranco.

i'm o.k. if you get me a good angle
you're o.k. in the right sort of light
we don't look like pages from a magazine
but that's alright

i crashed your pickup truck
then i had to drive it back home
i was crying i was so scared
of what you would do of what you would say
but you just started laughing
so i just started laughing along
saying it looks like a little rough
but it runs o.k.

we get a little further from perfection
each year on the road
i think that's called character
i think that's just the way it goes
better to be dusty
than polished like some store window mannequin
touch me where i'm rusty
let me stain your hands

when you're pretty as a picture
they pound down your door
but i've been offered love
in two dimensions before
and i know that it's not all
that it's made out to be
let's show them all how it's done
let's do it all imperfectly

okay, suckers...

I feel obligated to post something. I haven't posted anything of substance lately. A lot has been going on around me, but not too much has been going on with me directly. I watched my best friend have a breakdown that I don't think she could have stopped..and I really don't think she wanted to stop it. I think she needed it to heal. In retrospect, it did her well, and she is recovering better than I think she lets on. She is a beautiful and wonderful human being and has been a very important part of my life for 13(ish) years. Things are looking up for her (finally) and I'm glad, because she's worth it, and she deserves all the good things that are coming to her.

My nephew is precious and has a heart murmur. Hopefully it's not a serious one. He will see a cardiologist, and we'll see.

My sister an insane, stuck up, snobby bitch, but I love her to pieces, and i will always let her treat me shittily and I will give back to her the opposite because I love her, life is too short, and it's just not worth it. I have learned that her husband, otherwise known as K-Fed to her Britney, is not all bad. He is a poseur and mostly a wannabe, but he loves her and means well, and stands up to her bitchiness, and she takes what he says to heart, even when she won't listen to anyone else. He brings her back down from the high horse.

I need a hair cut and I want it cut like Kat Von D.

I found a dress for my friend's wedding that I look great in, and i'm not too modest to say it.

I feel like I need more attention from my husband sometimes. I told him that.

Work is okay. There are good days and bad. Mostly, if boss man is in a good mood, then all is right in the world.

I still wanna be a rock star, and I'm staring to get the itch for a new tattoo. Someone help me with ideas.

I went to a bachelorette party Saturday night and had an absolute blast. I'm going out this Friday with my beautiful friend from work. She got a new job, and I'm sad to see her go, but I am completely ecstatic for her. I hope I can still hang out with her. She is one of the few people that I have met up here that i'd actually call a close friend. She rocks.

I miss GA....but the fall is coming, and it's gorgeous here then.

That is all. Thank you, and good night.