Hang the DJ.....

Hubby and I watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" the other night. It was an excellent movie, but it made me so very sad. I'm not a huge Jim Carrey fan, but he was so much less annoying in a serious role, as he was in the few other serious roles he's had. He was trying to erase her from his memory - mostly because she did it to him - but when it came down to it, he was the person he'd become because of her. He didn't *really* want to forget her. It made me think of all the memories I have of me and hubby and how i'd never want to forget any of the details....even the crappy shit. Then it made me thing of my dad and I had one of my semi-annual break-downs that I have had about my father since he died in 2000.

I usually only break down like that about 2 times a year. When I do, hubby holds me and calms me. He doesn't pretend to understand my feelings, because he has both of his parents, and he can't understand; but he knows me so well, and knows what I need and knows what to say, and that I'll get over it eventually, and he just waits it out with me. He knows that I miss my daddy. I think about him a lot. I have a picture of him in my living room. Ana really doesn't remember him. She remembers little things that I have told her, or scenes that she has seen on a home video, but not the actual person; the fact that he existed and that they were so close. I wish that he had gotten to meet hubby. I was on and off - mostly off - with someone else when he died, and that person was so cold and terrible to me when it actually happened. It took me a long time to get over that....the fact that when I needed this person the most, they made me feel to badly. He had lost his father too, so I was hoping for some common ground at a time when I really needed it. I reached out for comfort and got a very dry and unfeeling "i'm sorry to hear that..."

I was so lucky to have another person in my life who had lost his father and who would let me come over and cry for hours and feed me beer and cigarettes and goldfish. You know who you are, and that time meant more to me than you will ever know. My memories of you are all special and I would never want to erase them. (SHUT THE FUCK UP!) Who am I kidding, you're not reading this.

Anyway, i love my satellite radio and my 1st Wave station. They had a SMITH'S REUNION weekend, and so I got my fill of Morrissey and the Smiths all weekend. It was lovely. I was in heaven......

I'm soooo sorry.....