i want him to come home....

He went to a movie with his friend and I am lonesome. I want him to come home, slide into bed with me and hold me all night long like when we were first dating. I used to fly up to philly, and the last night of being here was always so sad because I was leaving, and he would hold me tight all night, and everything would feel so amazing. I want to feel cherished and respected and loved for who I am. I want him to nuzzle into the nape of my neck and rub his beard against the back of my earlobe. I want the romance and the excitement and the goosebumps that I got 2 years ago. We are still supposed to be newlyweds...so where did it all go? I love him, and I don't want to be so used to him. I still want electricity from a kiss...but I rarely even get a kiss anymore. It's hard not to think that it's me, but wrong to think that it is. We are both busy and tired. I do not doubt his love, nor mine, but I want to be all giddy and bubbly about him like I used to be.

looking back

Spoke briefly with an old friend today. Was led to a blog, perhaps for bragging rites? I dunno, but it is very interesting. It's interesting to hear how much someone else loves someone that you used to love. It's so strange to look back at that time in my life, and how different I am now. There are so many things that I can look at in my past that are big deals, but did nothing to affect the way that I am now; but to look back to a time in my life when things were so different...and to know that that time and the person that I spent that time with completely shaped who I am today..... the events that occurred back then define me now. I don't know why I keep dealing with this over again in my head. I do not love him at all anymore..but my heart literally physically aches when I think about how much I LOVED him. I would not be the person that I am, had I never met him or had him in my life....whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen....It's just so weird, for lack of a better word, to hear someone else feel for him what I felt....to know and to be able to relate to the things she says about him....it's just weird. She seems to be a nice girl. She is a musician.

Why the hell didn't I finish school? I would love the right to say that and mean it. "I am a musician..." Back in GA I used to say it all the time; back when I lived with mom and was out playing and singing every weekend, and had no other livelihood but that....but now, I feel like I have to say "I work for the court system, which absolutely sucks, and I am a complete and utter sell-out and slave to the system, despite my absolute pitch and above average vocal abilities....because I couldn't get serious enough about what I really wanted, because when I was 19 I messed up and got pregnant, and pretty much screwed my chances of becoming a rock star..." but that sounds like I resent my kids, which my have been the case way back when, but I wouldn't trade them for the world now...not even for a record deal or a chance at the Mozarteum....

I'm just sick of wondering what would have happened if.....

How much do I love these girls?? More than I could ever explain....but when they are this precious, how could you not love them?!? 

Happy Birthday peanut!!! Oh, how we learned to love cake.... 

getting over it...

I have to find a way to deal with the stress in my life. It has begun to affect my health, and that is just not cool. I love my children and my husband, but I let everything get to me. The real problem is me, and I think I am finally starting to realize that. I have to get myself in order. I need to take it day by day, and not look at the big picture as much. If I can do the things I need to do today, then I have accomplished much. One day at a time is how I should do it….now the only problem is doing it.

I’m sick of bullshit. I’m sick of fake people. I’m sick of being driven crazy by people. If I had finished school, I’d have a job that I loved, and I’d be surrounded by educated, mature people…instead of uneducated abusers of the English language who only got where they are because of who they know.

I don’t mean for this to be a blog full of bitching and complaining, but that is how it has seemed to turn out. When I am reminded of my mistakes every day, I just get frustrated.

Until I know that I have no reason to worry about my health, I will worry and be stressed and scared, and think about all the things that could possibly be wrong with me. I hate feeling this way, and I think deep down, I know I’m fine…it’s just all the waiting on the tests results that really sucks. I hope everything is okay…I’m not sure I could deal if it’s not.

I think that if something seriously was wrong, then I would have worse symptoms. I don’t know if I’m just telling myself that to help me feel better or not. I tend to over react and get all crazy over things, and I am trying to stay calm. I will deal with whatever happens. It’s better to know, I guess.

what i am listening to....

I had forgotten until recently how much I love this band.....lyrics for your enjoyment....

Jump Little Children
"Come Around"

Ceramic tile floor fluorescent

Yellow iodine

I can feel your presence

Sedated by the heavy medicine

And come around,

come around,

come around

The flowers aren't worth keeping

The roses broke my skin

I'll pretend your sleeping

Or you fainted from the lack of oxygen

And come around,

come around

Don't you leave me here to let you down

Now I'm going home

and I've been patient,

I've waited a lifetime

Now I'm going home

and I am tired

of waiting a lifetime

Sentimental letters

Brightly colored ink

Saying, "Please get better"

I'll place them by the lilies in the sink

And come around,

come around

If you could feel it, I'd give a kiss

If it would get through, I'd whisper this

Not while your sleeping...In my safe keeping...

Faded iridescence

From your silhouette

A stare illuminescent

I haven't given up on you just yet

And come around, come around

Don't you leave me here to let you down
Now I'm going home
and I've been patient,
I've waited a lifetime
Now I'm going home
and I am tired
of waiting a lifetime

the things I never got over
like that time you just
kissed me
out of no where
in the rain when I thought that we'd never speak again
over something stupid
you didn't hate me forever
though years passed without a word
so I moved on?
And when you knew you moved back
like that time you just
sang the words
you knew
it was your part
to sing?
or to make me want you
all over again

closure is beautiful
how would I know

i guess i’m still mad.
they say it’s one of the phases
but I just can’t bring myself to
miss you
enough to actually believe that you’re
gone.
that i will never see you again
that i will never try to pry open your closed fist
to no avail

no avail or unavailable to me
as I try to live with you
gone.
to get over it would be a cruel joke
to remember life with you is
only sickness
sickness I know I’m destined for
and kick myself in the ass
time and again

and again I rationalize
life and living and stressed out
worry freak as I stay
alone without you as close as
a phonecall
gone.
like those cedar trees you had to
cut them down
because of the storm

the storm of life continues as
I try to make calm the situation of her
trying to live again
realizing that you are
gone.
she sleeps alone on your side
of the bed that was long
enough and wide as
my daughter’s smile

The smile that will never know what is
gone.
that will know a picture only....
and stories
and sayings
and wantings
to be with who she never knew
and her sister can’t remember
only the ducks

the ducks in the pond with the
fountain where he took you
that time to feed the ducks
do you remember the bread crumbs
and the huge fish that ate the
doughballs he fished with
and they took that picture
ended up in the paper
next to the NO FISHING sign that is now

gone.

Ah, the drama queen....from when she wanted to take Irish dance lessons...she tried and tried, but could never quite get that Riverdance skip down..... 

So sue me

Okay, so I'm a sucky blogger. A lazy one at best....I have no excuse, so i'll offer none, and simply move on.

I went to a funeral today. The woman was an older woman in her late 70s who died last Monday after a long, excruciating battle with emphysema. My daughter was very close to her, and begged to go to the wake, so we decided to take her. She is a very dramatic child, and she cried all night like she had lost her best friend. Her dad and I both knew that she was playing it up. Not that she wasn't sad, it's just that when she said that the dead body was smiling at her...well, that wasn't all. On the way there, she announced to us how much she enjoyed crying, and how she felt as if she may cry some at the funeral home. We told her that it was perfectly okay for her to be sad and cry....but after the fourth or fifth time kneeling in front of the body, she started to tell us that she heard her Aunt Clare speak to her from beyond...then we knew that it was time to go.

She begged to go to the funeral today, so we allowed her to go. She tried her hardest to cry. She knew that if she could just make it over to the body, that the tears would come...but her mother cut in front of her b-line towards the open casket. I grabbed her hand, and led her to our seats, on the other side of the chapel - which was in the nursing home where Aunt Clare had loved for the last couple of years. It was a nice service, kind of long, but very Catholic, right down to the Ave Maria. Then to the luncheon.

This funeral luncheon thing is very new to me. Back in the south, when someone dies, everyone takes food to their house, and maybe after the funeral, close friends and family *might* come to the house for a meal. Up here, it is a different story. After the cemetery, everyone there was invited to meet back at a banquet hall or a restaurant, and have a full catered meal. Ours today kinda sucked, but it was free food, and somewhat entertaining.

And I took a whole day off from work for this....

Also heard some news about a friend. To him, I miss you. No one knows what it's like to be the bad man....

This is how I feel today. I slept horribly and tried desperately all day to find time for a nap...Oh, for a KING SIZE bed....then I could sleep peacefully with the one I love.... 

Will it ever go away?

A week after the storm, huge frozen mounds still line the streets. Parking lots and malls are framed with ugly black and gray snow. Lawns that used to hint dying grass now offer little or no hint of grass at all; just the white snow, once billowy and beautiful, now crunchy and bothersome. I will never get over it. The people function as if it's not even there. I gawked like an 4-year-old when it began to snow, and then was baffled and pained on Monday, when I was still expected to show up for work. People wear their boots and hats and gloves and scarves and carry on through the slush like Eskimos in the summertime. It's funny watching the people up here react to winter. Some people welcome it, other people loathe it. Some people have their cute hand knitted scarves and matching hats and gloves on with the first hint of the arctic breeze. These people think that they look cute in their winter things...and are probably also the ones that are wearing tank tops and short shorts with the first hint of above 60degree weather. Then there are the people that are too cool - literally - to zip their coat, or wear gloves; This being my first winter with an actual winter coat, I zip that thing up! It makes a difference, though I'm overheated on the train into work every morning.

As I ride in, the snow changes the look of everything. I can follow footprints through fenced yards, and tire tracks through parks. I watch the SUVs and Jeeps drive like maniacs all over the ice. They think that 4 wheel drive equals immunity to slippery ice.

One year my mom was up here briefly during the winter. She remarked on how "bleak" it was more than once. She talked about how it's been proven that places with colder and longer winters have higher suicide rates and higher rates of medicated people...anti depressants....maybe that's what I need. I don't feel depressed...just homesick sometimes.

Today, a man trying to avoid a huge snow mountain on the side of the road almost drove us into oncoming traffic. My husband layed down on his horn, and the other guy began to yell and curse out the window and proceeded to call my husband a f-ing idiot, and then stopped at the light ahead of us, and continued to yell until you could hear his kid crying in the back seat...then he rolled his window back up....Back home, you may get the finger; Back home, you may get honked at; Hell, someone may curse under their breath, or with the window up...however, in GA people either don't care enough, or are in too much of a hurry to attempt to try and argue in the middle of traffic...

And this is the city that loves me back...yeah....okay.....

on the streets of Philadelphia...... 

What Am I Doing?

This is a cheesy attempt at doing something like this, but I think it may help me get some things out from time to time without having to worry about things. My other half, whom I love dearly and completely, is not good at discussing my problems or me letting things out. If I have an ache or pain, then so does he, and it's worse. If I have some sort of emotional or mental state going on, then it's all his fault....when really, all I want him to do is shut up and listen...a feat which I've been forced to believe that he is incapable of..and as a man, I am not surprised. I do not hold any of this against him. I love him very much, and have chosen him to spend my life with, and father my children....even the one that isn't his. He is a beautiful person, inside and out, yet simply a MAN, by every definition.