peace of mind

is this homesick?

but i couldn't believe that I actually used to live there. I just kept walking around in circles thinking HOLY F%CK!!! The people are so plastic. Not even their hair moves. The worst part are the ones that live and act like they don't even live there. I loathe there; but I loathe here(?). I walk around foreign
not knowing where
to go, where I've
been
The city laid out before me
huge and living and loud
and strange and fake and foolish
and wanting to be away; but
longing to be here
where there is home
but not really
but neither is 101 Greenacre Lane in rural NW georgia
where the heart was
5 years ago my heart left
It is coming back gradually, but in
pieces, scattered
in Philly and in C'ville and
everywhere else

And you told me that intellectual stimulation could not be sensual; but by definition only; make me sound un-learned and so what? Who have I to impress? What have I to prove?

I've got to get out of here, or stay here, but first and foremost, figure that out.

I pray for the people in NewOrleans. I hope there are no people in New Orleans. They'll have nothing to go home to but water. God be with them.

but it isn't for 4 more months!?!

B is buying me an amazing birthday present. I've had the itch for a while, and today we finally went for a consultation. We showed the artist what we wanted to incorporate and we have an appointment on October 13 to see what the final product will look like. Then, on Nov 5, I will have my first session, and 3 weeks after that, my tattoo will be finished, and I will have one of the most impressive birthday presents ever. I found a really cool Celtic tree and sun with some knot work that is all gonna be worked in together to make a gorgeous tatt on my back. I've been saving my back for something good and big and impressive, and this is gonna be all of the three. The girl that worked there was kind of a bitch, but once Billy got over that, we got really excited. I can't wait to see what the artist comes up with!

The other new thing in our life right now is HOUSE BUYING. We got approved for a mortgage and now we just have to find a house - and a down payment - so the broker told us, "if ya find something you like, make an offer..." Those are scary words. I mean, I really want a house, but it's a huge undertaking, and I want to make sure that we get what we want. It would really suck to buy a house, and then see something else that we like better. Real estate is just stupid right now....

Anyway, i'll post pics of houses and my tatt eventually. YAY!

a clarification.....

i think i was misunderstood with the kinky thing. It wasn't kinky in MY definition....more just weird. One of us actually sharing that we did it is part of the fantasy for him...i'm just not sure how it looks on the outside. We are totally into doing our own thing and not sharing most things, but this was just different.

This comes as a reply to a friend's blog who told me that I was f-ing it up(?) It's not seedy, nor is it gross to share what we did. It's not like he touched me here, or I licked him there. It was the roles that were played, who played them, and how. It was very interesting, and I felt that sharing these things in cyberspace could give other players validation in things that they do. Some people like to be adventurous. Some people like to be gross. Whether or not my man or woman and I are into any perversions or strange sexual escapades is completely between us. This falls under a whole new realm of weirdness.

this friend is the only one who reads this anyway.....


Pity how voice inflection and facial expression simply can not be expressed in typing.

you did WHAT?!?

YAY! We finally got over our tiff, and have come to some agreements. All-in-all, things are gonna be fine. Things are wonderful, and we got FREE tickets to the Allman Brothers show tonight, so I am TOTALLY stoked.

um....so....we just did something totally kinky and weird, and we're sure that no one else does it, and it was fun and funny and exciting and freaky....

and no, I'm not telling what it was

no, not even you....OR you!

Unless you can tell me something you've done that's funnier or weirder. First. And I'm the judge. If yours isn't f-ed up enough, then I don't have to tell you.....

know-it-all

So i've learned now the hard way that it's perfectly okay to keep some things a secret. Even when you love someone, and feel you know them inside out, you are going to have secrets from each other, and that's okay. People have secrets for a lot of different reasons. The other night, I got nosy...then I decided to get funny...and ended up being all girly and "we should know everything about each other..." and then I learned NO, we don't have to know EVERYTHING. There are things that I found out that I would have been fine never knowing. I'm fine knowing them, but it hurt the person who told me, and no I feel worse than I did when I didn't know anything. I admitted things I never wanted to admit, and probably shouldn't have. My feelings never changed. My love didn't change....if it did, it's stronger....Nobody got angry. Both of us got upset and felt badly and cried. I feel insecure. Both of us know that we can get through this, but it's gonna take a little while. Both of us are trying to wish the conversation completely away..but now it's out there, and it is marred by things that we will never forget. Hopefully it will fade with time, and I'll have learned to keep my damn mouth shut.

what a girl wants

And she's already in the fridge; With the apron on. She paraded around that house as if she owned the place, opening and closing doors, and getting her fingers smushed in the cabinets. It was priceless. She had a great time with her "nana and cogin." Do I actually miss that place? I don't think I'm willing to admit it just yet. This last visit was so weird. Just weird. After being outside the bubble....especailly one so thick and drastically different than what has become my *new* norm....it's just weird.....

got my fix...

Just before July fourth my father's sister passed away after a substantially long illness. I used this as an excuse to go to the bass-ackwards south. It was a nice visit....kind of surreal.

My flight was delayed and delayed and delayed again, which was no big deal, but actually worked to my advantage because the baby slept the entire trip(only she and I went). My plane ride began with a particularly odd encounter with the guy sitting next to me. The plane smelled so badly! The captain came over and was talking with a few of us, and told us that the stench was due to live crab that was in with the cargo earlier that day. It seems the container had been leaking. It was such an atrocious smell! So the guy next to me had already been joking around with me about the smell, and then about how cute the baby was, and how well behaved - she was asleep....what could she have done... - anyway, the plane finally began to taxi towards the runway, and they dim the lights "for our comfort" and the man takes it upon himself to grab my thigh and pat it and rub it a minute, and then kind of leaves his hand there for just a moment. I didn't say anything - I think it was shock....but then he finally moved his hand and didn't do it again...and then when we got to Atlanta, asked me if I had a place to stay there, and I assured him that I certainly did!!

I mean, I KNOW i'm fine, but damn......teeheeheheh

Over the river and through the woods.....

Let's do the Timewarp again....

SO....

I did really well this week at watching what I was eating and walking at night. I was very proud of myself, and today, i barely ate a thing....so I was kinda lightheaded when I got home. I hadn't had anything to eat all day except for a spring mix salad with some tofu....

so that pizza dinner is okay, right? and what about the party cake ice cream that I'll try to justify later tonight???

Hello stomach....i am diet, your worst nightmare.

i think last night.......

I had the perfect melody and some great lyrics all the way to work this morning. I sang it over and over again so that I wouldn’t forget it. I walked into work, wrote the lyrics down…

And completely forgot the melody.

Dammit.

And Lance was a no show.....

We went to the USPRO Cycling championships today. It was a lot of fun. Our friend has a house right along a strech of the race called "the Wall..." It's a hill in a neighborhood called Manayunk that is very steep and gradual. I could barely walk it with my out of shape self, so I'm sure the cyclists were having loads of fun trying to bike up it! The course is 10 laps and 156 miles. Everytime they came around, we ran outside to cheer, and then back inside to the cool air conditioning!! I am a little sunburnt, but we had a wonderful time.

I'm going vegan i think. I got some health test results back, and while they are not incredibly horrid, neither are they incredibly wonderful. I am a sloppy vegitarian, and I really eat like I'm stupid, so I'm gonna stop that and get myself in gear. I have to get myself back in shape, and be on the road to living my life like I want to again....which after today may also put me looking at houses in Manayunk...!!!

Spring Cleaning....

Okay, so Spring is almost over, and I am finally cleaning out everything. I am packing away baby clothes, in case I have another, and packing away the elder's nicer things for the younger to eventually wear. I came across some old pictures, which was nice because I found some frames as well. I got new shelves at IKEA and I am putting pictures on them, and now I have pictures of more than just my family.

I found an incredibly gorgeous picture of J, and a picture of L from highschool. They are both 5x7, and I incidentally found a double 5x7 frame....so now 2 of my closest friends are next to each other for me to see and blow kisses at every day. yay. I miss you guys, and love you dearly.

Reading Rudolf Steiner. L, you should check this dude out. Austrian philosopher. Good stuff...

Waffle House

i wish people would come and visit me, because I can't afford to go home. I miss everyone and everything and it makes me so sad. I don't want to be so unhappy. I'm really not terribly unhappy...i just want to go home.....and I don't know where that is. I want everything back. I want my life at 19 to start there over again. I want to sing. I want to play. I want to be happy. I want to be free. Someone please come and visit me and cheer me up and bring me some hashbrowns, scattered, smothered and covered......

i want him to come home....

He went to a movie with his friend and I am lonesome. I want him to come home, slide into bed with me and hold me all night long like when we were first dating. I used to fly up to philly, and the last night of being here was always so sad because I was leaving, and he would hold me tight all night, and everything would feel so amazing. I want to feel cherished and respected and loved for who I am. I want him to nuzzle into the nape of my neck and rub his beard against the back of my earlobe. I want the romance and the excitement and the goosebumps that I got 2 years ago. We are still supposed to be newlyweds...so where did it all go? I love him, and I don't want to be so used to him. I still want electricity from a kiss...but I rarely even get a kiss anymore. It's hard not to think that it's me, but wrong to think that it is. We are both busy and tired. I do not doubt his love, nor mine, but I want to be all giddy and bubbly about him like I used to be.

looking back

Spoke briefly with an old friend today. Was led to a blog, perhaps for bragging rites? I dunno, but it is very interesting. It's interesting to hear how much someone else loves someone that you used to love. It's so strange to look back at that time in my life, and how different I am now. There are so many things that I can look at in my past that are big deals, but did nothing to affect the way that I am now; but to look back to a time in my life when things were so different...and to know that that time and the person that I spent that time with completely shaped who I am today..... the events that occurred back then define me now. I don't know why I keep dealing with this over again in my head. I do not love him at all anymore..but my heart literally physically aches when I think about how much I LOVED him. I would not be the person that I am, had I never met him or had him in my life....whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen....It's just so weird, for lack of a better word, to hear someone else feel for him what I felt....to know and to be able to relate to the things she says about him....it's just weird. She seems to be a nice girl. She is a musician.

Why the hell didn't I finish school? I would love the right to say that and mean it. "I am a musician..." Back in GA I used to say it all the time; back when I lived with mom and was out playing and singing every weekend, and had no other livelihood but that....but now, I feel like I have to say "I work for the court system, which absolutely sucks, and I am a complete and utter sell-out and slave to the system, despite my absolute pitch and above average vocal abilities....because I couldn't get serious enough about what I really wanted, because when I was 19 I messed up and got pregnant, and pretty much screwed my chances of becoming a rock star..." but that sounds like I resent my kids, which my have been the case way back when, but I wouldn't trade them for the world now...not even for a record deal or a chance at the Mozarteum....

I'm just sick of wondering what would have happened if.....

How much do I love these girls?? More than I could ever explain....but when they are this precious, how could you not love them?!? 

Happy Birthday peanut!!! Oh, how we learned to love cake.... 

getting over it...

I have to find a way to deal with the stress in my life. It has begun to affect my health, and that is just not cool. I love my children and my husband, but I let everything get to me. The real problem is me, and I think I am finally starting to realize that. I have to get myself in order. I need to take it day by day, and not look at the big picture as much. If I can do the things I need to do today, then I have accomplished much. One day at a time is how I should do it….now the only problem is doing it.

I’m sick of bullshit. I’m sick of fake people. I’m sick of being driven crazy by people. If I had finished school, I’d have a job that I loved, and I’d be surrounded by educated, mature people…instead of uneducated abusers of the English language who only got where they are because of who they know.

I don’t mean for this to be a blog full of bitching and complaining, but that is how it has seemed to turn out. When I am reminded of my mistakes every day, I just get frustrated.

Until I know that I have no reason to worry about my health, I will worry and be stressed and scared, and think about all the things that could possibly be wrong with me. I hate feeling this way, and I think deep down, I know I’m fine…it’s just all the waiting on the tests results that really sucks. I hope everything is okay…I’m not sure I could deal if it’s not.

I think that if something seriously was wrong, then I would have worse symptoms. I don’t know if I’m just telling myself that to help me feel better or not. I tend to over react and get all crazy over things, and I am trying to stay calm. I will deal with whatever happens. It’s better to know, I guess.

what i am listening to....

I had forgotten until recently how much I love this band.....lyrics for your enjoyment....

Jump Little Children
"Come Around"

Ceramic tile floor fluorescent

Yellow iodine

I can feel your presence

Sedated by the heavy medicine

And come around,

come around,

come around

The flowers aren't worth keeping

The roses broke my skin

I'll pretend your sleeping

Or you fainted from the lack of oxygen

And come around,

come around

Don't you leave me here to let you down

Now I'm going home

and I've been patient,

I've waited a lifetime

Now I'm going home

and I am tired

of waiting a lifetime

Sentimental letters

Brightly colored ink

Saying, "Please get better"

I'll place them by the lilies in the sink

And come around,

come around

If you could feel it, I'd give a kiss

If it would get through, I'd whisper this

Not while your sleeping...In my safe keeping...

Faded iridescence

From your silhouette

A stare illuminescent

I haven't given up on you just yet

And come around, come around

Don't you leave me here to let you down
Now I'm going home
and I've been patient,
I've waited a lifetime
Now I'm going home
and I am tired
of waiting a lifetime

the things I never got over
like that time you just
kissed me
out of no where
in the rain when I thought that we'd never speak again
over something stupid
you didn't hate me forever
though years passed without a word
so I moved on?
And when you knew you moved back
like that time you just
sang the words
you knew
it was your part
to sing?
or to make me want you
all over again

closure is beautiful
how would I know

i guess i’m still mad.
they say it’s one of the phases
but I just can’t bring myself to
miss you
enough to actually believe that you’re
gone.
that i will never see you again
that i will never try to pry open your closed fist
to no avail

no avail or unavailable to me
as I try to live with you
gone.
to get over it would be a cruel joke
to remember life with you is
only sickness
sickness I know I’m destined for
and kick myself in the ass
time and again

and again I rationalize
life and living and stressed out
worry freak as I stay
alone without you as close as
a phonecall
gone.
like those cedar trees you had to
cut them down
because of the storm

the storm of life continues as
I try to make calm the situation of her
trying to live again
realizing that you are
gone.
she sleeps alone on your side
of the bed that was long
enough and wide as
my daughter’s smile

The smile that will never know what is
gone.
that will know a picture only....
and stories
and sayings
and wantings
to be with who she never knew
and her sister can’t remember
only the ducks

the ducks in the pond with the
fountain where he took you
that time to feed the ducks
do you remember the bread crumbs
and the huge fish that ate the
doughballs he fished with
and they took that picture
ended up in the paper
next to the NO FISHING sign that is now

gone.