Yowza!

Okay, peeps. Not gonna talk about the divorce here except to say that it has been ugly, and only seems to be getting worse....

and that it doesn't *have* to be that way.

I'm working on finding a more private outlet, to vent while still protecting myself. Get with me and i'll get with you when i figure out what imma do.

until then....

the calm before the storm....

It has definitely been a whirlwind several weeks for me. Truth be told, I’m not handling things well; I’m barely handling things at all. I feel like I’m being pulled in different directions, and none of them seem to be the direction that I want to take with my life.

Needing to figure it out.
Break it down to wonder what is right; what went wrong, if anything;
Hard ships and heartbreak and fences to mend with chains breakable to a fault
Frustrations fuel the confused chaos already maddening in my mind

My head hurts.

I want to live for me and do what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to answer to anyone or anything that tries to tell me any different. I don’t want to be judged for following what I want or doing as I please, regardless of the outcome. I want to learn for myself and take things head on.

Lost time to make up for; lost life to gain
Through experiences only I can know or tell…..

I probably am a shitty mother. I probably do have a mental stability issue; I probably always have; But that’s not my cop-out, my excuse for the way I am. I am sure that I am not happy and I’m sure that I don’t need anyone to get me there and make me otherwise.

I want to be the one to find it, figure it out, lay it aside if it needs to be, and pick things up where I left off if they are worth it. I want to touch lives, and have lives touch me, and be better for it without the obligation.

Everything seems to suffer for it, and I don’t understand why I should too. It’s black and white and I know what I have to do; and with minimal discomfort and complete unselfishness to those who mean the most…to those who’ll hurt the most.

To lay it out on the line scares the shit out of me. To have it happen when I least expect it scared me even most. To hurt the ones I care for the most scares me more than all fear combined.

I face it and move on.

Forward.

Too stagnant for too long and
Too young not to go for it and too old to think it’d be realistic and
Too insane not to try.

You tell me things I need to hear, and should have heard all along, but never had. I knew this, since I had had it in another, and then when things got rough the turned tables flipped up and knocked me out completely on their way. I was never the same since. All that talk of walls being built and jaded and guarded. Yeah. That wasn’t me, but it was, and I left it internal. I bottled up and I’m okay, and I’m dealing and I’m making other people happy and I’m living life for everyone else to make everyone else the way they want me to be.

Promises - Fugazi

Words
Words and expressions
All these confessions
Of where we stand
How I see you
And you see me
Dedications of symmetry
Together we will be
forever.
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see it through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
There were no truer words than when spoken
Let that stand as it should
There was nothing left when broken
We grab anything when we fall
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see us through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
You will do what you do
I will do what I do
We will do what we do
Rearrange and see it through
Go where you think you want to go
Do everything you were sent here for
Fire at will if you hear that call
Touch your hand to the wall at night
Promises.
Words.