Happy Christmas.....

Hey Rhi----

Husband got me the Anne Rice novel!! YAY!! I'll let you know how it is.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday...or Sunday, as the case may be.

SAVE FUZZY!!!!!!!!

My best friend in the whole wide world needs help. I've made some phone calls; I've sent some emails. I'm waiting on replies, and so i thought I'd copy her post about it here, so that we can get more people involved and SAVE FUZZY. if you can help, please do. This would mean the universe to a friend that means more than that to me! Here is her post from http://anywherebut.blogspot.com

Save Fuzzy

I've neglected to talk about this subject because I'm really, really bothered. However, I have recovered my intense nausea (back in the "let's hug the toilet" mode) and I'm a bit bitchy.So...here is the story.

I was hospitalized for five days in early December. My insulin pump broke, and I had no clue. To make a long story short, I drove home from class one Tuesday with a barf bag in my lap, and managed to make my way to the nice cool linoleum on my bathroom floor. (When you've dry heaved for hours on end, you really can't be jumping in and out of bed. Best to just stay in the bathroom.)

Z drove me to the ER, where they promptly let me puke in the hallways, and then to my embarassment, let me pee all over myself from the strenuous nature of my heaving. They have this stupid rule when you are a diabetic with hyperglycemia that you can't have any water. When your blood sugar is high, all you want is something to drink. It's the worst cotton-mouth known to mankind. I swear. And having nothing to puke, while you are that thirsty, is a crime against humanity.

So they installed me in a hospital room, where they were determined to keep me because the ICU was full. On the third day, this nice nurse changed my sheets ( I had to change my own every day prior to that, IV line twisting around the hospital bed).

And within my sheets was Fuzzy. Poof. Gone. No one has seen him. I discovered it that night while I was trying to go to sleep. Nervous and scared in the hospital bed because my stupid nurse had just tried to kill me with an insulin injection that was sufficient for a horse. Scared to pass out because I thought they might shoot me up in my sleep and I would never wake up.

I ended up tearing my room to shreds, again with IV pole+bag in hand, and then proceeded to frantically pace back and forth around my room until I was sufficiently exhausted.

My world has been a little off since.

Fuzzy is a story of his own. When I was in kindergarten, I ended up at UCLA medical center for about a month - 2 weeks in a diabetic-induced coma in the ICU, then another 2 weeks in a regular bed getting insulin therapy. It was a really horrible time. I don't really remember too much about it from a negative standpoint. (Except again, they wouldn't give me any fuc$ing water. My mother soaked paper towels and let me suck on them in the ER).

My Dad brought me a bouquet of daisies for my hospital room, and tucked on a little plastic trident was this itty-bitty teddy bear, wearing a little white t-shirt with purple sleeves that said "I love you". I don't know why, but that little bear made me feel better. I looked like a concentration camp survivor, 40 lbs. soaking wet, raccoon eyes. A little bear who was proportionate sized was exactly what I needed.

And I have had him ever since. I once lost him at O'Hare - my dad retrieved him from the cleaning lady in the terminal. But I managed to hang on to him for dear life.

I quit sleeping with him years ago. I had him on this shelf in my closet, along with a few of my other favorite stuffed animals. My men have always graciously accepted my toys. I think they realize that inside my Aries-aggressive exterior lies a scared bunny rabbit who just wants a nice burrow and something soft to sleep with. I need lots of hugs.

So the linen service that Crittersville Hospital contracts with, Angelica Linen Service, states that they do have a lost-and-found box - WITH NO FUZZY. And I'm a bit of a mess about it.

I've hung onto that bear for over 20 years now, and despite the fact that I am in fact an adult, I am sitting here crying like a little kid whose puppy just died.

Angelica Linen Service is a publicly traded company. The satellite office that cleaned the hospital linen is located in Alpharetta, Georgia. ( Phone #: (678)823-4100).

I thought it was a bit funny that when Z tried to track down Fuzzy, he called the CEO and left a message. Ordinarily I would have just raised an eyebrow, until I realized today that this wasn't some 20 employee corporation. I'm sure the CEO heard his voice mail and thought some lunatic had really lost his marbles, calling and requesting an in-depth investigation into the disappearance of Fuzzy.But screw impropriety.

Today, reading my RSS feed, I found a news article about recent Angelica shareholder events.http://albany.dbusinessnews.com/shownews.php?newsid=56159&type_news=latest

If someone wants to help locate Fuzzy, it would most likely be the best Christmas present ever. I can't possibly tell you how weird it feels that he isn't around.So, here are the Executives' contact numbers. Perhaps with enough public outcry, they will see it as some kind of Christmas goodwill to help out.

Corporate OfficesAngelica Corporation

424 South Woods Mill Road

Chesterfield, Missouri 63017314/854-3800800/235-8410

www.angelica.com

Chairman of the Board

Don W. Hubble

314-854-3827

Chief Executive Officer

Stephen M. O'Hara

314-854-3827

President and COODavid Van Vliet

678-823-4100

Vice President and CFOJames W. Shaffer

314-854-3827

Save Fuzzy. And make my year.

Update....

It’s cold outside. It’s not the kind of cold where you can see your breath, but the kind of cold that you can’t see for everybody else’s breath in front of you. I have had a lot going on lately and haven’t had a chance to update since the party. I know that everyone is waiting to hear how the party was, so I will tell you, it was fabulous!

I left work with my court staff around 4:45. We walked a few blocks down to the party area, which was also one of the law offices. We walked in, and there was a make-shift bar on one side with a nice fireplace behind it. The furniture all looked antique and beautiful. There was a huge aquarium on the other side of the room with all kinds of exotic looking fish, and the music playing sounded like a soft Irish jig. We ordered drinks and looked around. We were some of the first people there. It didn’t take long for people to start showing up though! The court clerk and I sat down along with another girl from my office, and we watched as all the important people came in. Court reporters, lawyers, and even judges started filing in. After a while, one of my court officer friends decided that it was time that we checked out the other building for the party, which was down this street.

The street is one of those old narrow streets that is like an alley way compared to what streets are now. There are cobblestones and the buildings all used to be old row houses. They are really nice. A few doors down was the other building that was part of our party. We walked inside to a decorated Christmas tree, a full bar that one could actually sit down at, and much more room. We were told that this building actually used to be a gay bar. It was much bigger, and the music was more of a Diana Krall Christmas theme going on. My friend and I sat down at the bar and flirted with the bar tender. It was fun. Then came the FOOD!!! They had bar-b-cue brisket, chicken, greens, potato salad, mashed sweet potatoes, baked beans, mac and cheese, and plenty more. I felt like I was at my friend’s house back in Atlanta!!

A lot of the party stayed in the little street between the 2 buildings. I hung around with Raul and several of my friends from the DA’s office and the PD’s office. It was a very interesting mix of people. I did a little networking and met some people in high places. We’ll see what happens. Raul decided that it might not be safe for me to walk to the train alone, so he walked me down, and also rode all the way home with me…and then all the way back to South Philly, which is pretty far. He’s a nice guy.

So there is your party update. It was fun, and I can’t wait for the one next year. There are a lot of other things going on with work and such that I really need to blog about, but I can’t do it now, to save my sanity. I’ll write it later….I’m just waiting to be in ATL next week. God, I can’t wait.

Peace and love to all…..

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The baby is crying....

I don't know what's wrong with her, so I put her to bed and let her work it out. We'll see how long it goes before she stops crying. It slows, goes away, and then starts back up again.

I got an invitation to THE party of the season in Philadelphia. A lot of law firms have their own parties, but several of the big name guys get together every year and host a huge party with open bar and heavy hors d'overs (sp?) and lot of important people in the world of criminal law and the Court of Common Pleas. There are so many stories about how great it is and who shows up, and how great the food is. Last week, one of the lawyers walked into the court room with the invitations, handed one to the court crier, one to the court clerk, and then one to me. I was elated. The court clerk and I excused ourselves to the empty jury room to jump up and down and do a little dance. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED. Free booze and tons of networking!! The court officer that I work with has gone for the past few years, and he's going to get me into the music room with the pianist to sing! YAY! Now, if only I knew some Christmas songs. Dammit. Being a bah humbug will definately come around to bite me in the ass if I start taking requests!

Maura just started back up again. She wails once or twice then stops..then wails, then stops. I hope she's not getting sick. She rarely naps at the babysitters, so I'm trying to attribute it to over-tiredness. We'll see.

Hubby bought me this gorgeous crushed red velvet top to wear to the party. It's very nice and festive. It'll look great. I'm so excited. I'm going to network my ass off...and drink for free too...and hubby is staying home with the kids. This is going to be a fun fun night.

She was quiet for a while..then she coughed (dammit) and started to cry again. PLEASE god let her sleep. Maybe I'll give her something to drink....


Now i'm finished with formatting and she hasn't started beck up yet. Good. I'm going to have a nice hot bath.

today

Is a very special day, and I just wanted to take a moment to wish my friend a happy birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JLWS!!!!!!! HELL to the YEAH!!!!

to make lite of the blogger tiff.....

You can't even be put in the Miles Thirst Family -
you are NOT COOL - please visit the Hip-Hop
Translator in the Zillapedia to get up to
speed.


How well do you know your Hip Hop lingo?
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...so i was bored...this kinda surprised me though

Divided Sky! You're peaceful and content, and would
like nothing more than to run out and fly a
kite on a nice summer day. Your personality is
complex and has several different facets, but
in general you just tend to be in a good mood,
which is why everyone likes you so much.


Which Phish Song Are You?
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ok...i suck, but I had to do it to get in touch with some peeps....

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

Here is my birthday update….

On my actual birthday, I expected to go to work, have lunch with some girlfriends, and then go home and to choir practice at church. I got up and went to work, where I had cards and flowers from the girls and then went to lunch with the girls and actually had a very nice time. At around 4:30, my husband showed up with the kids to surprise me and we ended up hanging out in town. They had the tree lighting and the lighting of City Hall which is very unique. They have a projection up on the front and back of the building that makes it look different colors. I try to find a good picture to post.

Santa was there with Mrs. Claus along with many elves. They all had cookies and were giving them out to all the children. My husband was hitting on Mrs. Claus. That was kind of funny. Anyway, there was free Starbucks (NO CARIBOU IN PA, dammit!) and free hot chocolate and also people giving out coupons. A man came over and gave us coupons for Olive Garden, and the one in Center City is WAY nicer than the one up in the Northeast, where we live, so we decided to go to dinner and had a lovely time.

Friday night we went to a Christmas party. It was lame. It was a bunch of old heads that Billy went to school with. I just sat around and ate the food and watched all the old people. JJ

Sunday night is what I am anxious to write about. My mother-in-law and father-in-law have been wanting to take me to this restaurant in South Philly called the Victor Café. They told me that the food is great, and they have singers that sing “opera songs” – as they called them – and I simply had to go, kids included. So I’m thinking a family version of Macaroni Grill where they will sing Happy Birthday in very bad Italian and selections from the catalogue of 24 Italian Songs and Arias…. Then they wanted me to bring the kids, since they are completely baby CRAZY, and I’m dreading that because nice restaurants + my children and family= fussy whiny kids!! As a precaution, we had a “family nap” on Sunday afternoon so that we could all be rested and hopefully well behaved!

We picked up my in-laws due to the snow, and drove down to South Philly. We came to the restaurant and went inside to find a small place with pictures of opera singers and composers all over the walls. They also had busts above the bar! I found once I went in that the place was named for Victor, the RCA dog. There was an aria playing softly that I didn’t immediately recognize, but I was initially impressed at the atmosphere. We were shown to our seats by our server, who was ridiculously handsome and kind of reminded me of an old voice teacher I had in college. We ordered our food, and all the while, my mother in law kept insisting upon them ringing some bell. Evidently, they rang and bell just before an aria was sung. After a while, a server went up to the other side of the restaurant and rang a bell and sang one of the most beautiful renditions of Si, Mi Chiamano Mimi (Mimi’s aria from La Boheme) that I have ever heard. I was completely and absolutely beside myself! She was amazing and it was beautiful. After that, Ana asked me if I thought one of the singers there could do her favorite aria, so I had her ask our server. He asked which aria, and I told him, and he said that he knew a girl who could do it. The girl came over to the table and asked if we had a request, and Ana told her the aria, and she said that it was a tough one – and it is – but that she would think about it. They brought me my Crème Brule with a sparkler in it and sang Happy Birthday to me—In English, but like a true opera chorus. Immediately after that, the girl we had talked to about the request got up and stood on the steps just behind me and said “this is by request” and proceeded to sing Un Bel Di with such hope and abandon that I cried. As soon as she started to sing, I phoned mother and placed the cell phone on the table for her to hear it. The singer had so much feeling and emotion in her voice. When she was finished I couldn’t talk. I was in shock at how beautiful it was. My mom felt the same way. She was Suzuki in a production of Madama Butterfly when I was young, and loves that Aria. I couldn’t tell the girl enough how beautifully she sang. By the end of the night, we had heard the Toreador from Carmen, and Nessun Dorma, another of my favorites from Turandot. I could have sat there all night with my wine listening to the singers and wishing I was one of them.

What are you doing for New Years Eve??

I know I need to catch up and tell everyone about my birthday, but you're not missing anything, so don't worry. Right now I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be in GA for the week between Christmas and New Years, and I have decided to throw a New Years party at my mom's house in Cartersville. I want this to be a big fun party...as my parties weren't that sucessful up until my wedding...(which people in Cartersville are still talking about)...so I want this party to be just as successful....There will be food, drinks, fun, and whatever you want to bring to it - within reason, of course. Anyway, since i'm in Philly, i've decided that the best way for me to invite and get RSVPs and stuff is my EVITES!! So, if you want to be on my evite list, send me your email address to billyandmontie@yahoo.com and I would LOVE to have you there.

More details to come.

YAY!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

very interesting...

So i had this epiphany yesterday.... It was very strange, and I'm not sure how much of it i'll write about, considering my audience. That being said, if you have any questions, feel free to comment, and I'll elaborate if need be.

The things is that there used to be this person in my life. This person is not in my life at all anymore. I loved this person completely and unabashedly. I learned things that made me who I am from the relationship that I had with this person. Because of this person, I am who I am today; I do the things I do and live the way I live. This person loved me in his own way. He understood my insanity and my comings and goings. There was a time when I would have done anything for him. He will forever be a part of my life and I am forever changed having known him.

He wasn't an exceptional person. He didn't ride in on a white horse and sweep me off my feet. He did little things to show me how he felt. Some of those things he didn't even realize. We had a genuine and pure relationship. He knew me inside out, and I knew him better than he probably wanted me to.

Things ended horribly, and I couldn't wish anything but bad things for him. For years, I wanted to see him suffer. I wanted to see him hurt the way he had hurt me. I wanted someone to completely crush him; to bring him beyond his knees to the ground.

Until yesterday.

My hubby was cleaning out a closet and found something that belonged to this person. It's something that he probably doesn't realize that I have, and that I kinda knew I had, but had forgotten about it. It's something that he would probably like to have back, and it actually went through my head to wrap it up and send it to him for Christmas. Then came the epiphany.

I no longer wish terrible things for him. I no longer want to see him hurt. We are both totally different people now, better or worse, richer or poorer, fatter or thinner, and there is no reason why we both don't deserve happiness and peace in our lives. This came to me all of a sudden. It was very odd, and still kind of is. I sat there and thought about it a moment. I tried to wish that his girlfriend would suddenly hate him and break up with him and stomp his heart out, but that wish wouldn't come. I have a peace about my past with this person now, and it's really fucking with me. This is something that I have been unable to be peaceful about for a lot of years.

So, I wrote more than I thought I would, and if you read this, I love you. Not in a romantic or sexual way. I love the person that you are....because that person helped me define me. And come to think of it, I think you knew that's what you were doing the whole time.

Merry Christmas. No Christmas Ficus this year, okay?

Any suggestions for leftover tofurkey?

I loathe the holiday season....

I don't ruin it for other people. I can fake it with the best of them, and having kids make it better, but I really am not into the holidays. I really never have been. My husband, along with a couple of my other beaus in the past have been complete Christmas junkies....listening to Christmas carols as soon as freakin Halloween is over. This is lunacy, however, I deal. I get on with my life, make it fun for the kiddos, and avoid the radio stations that play all the holiday crap until February.

I don't remember quite when the holidays lost their magic for me. I know that I enjoyed Christmas as a kid, as most children do. I believed in Santa Claus forever. I even remember asking my mom that if I still be lieved in Santa when I was 15, would he still come visit me.... I was always assured that as long as I believed in Santa, he would visit me. The spirit of that is beautiful. My father was into the holidays, and always helped people whenever he could. When I was around 11 or so, he took my sister and me to visit this needy family to deliver them food and toys for Christmas. They were heating their house with their oven. The oven was on full blast and the door to it was wide open. I felt so sorry for that family, and so fortunate that I was in such a warm house with plenty of food and toys. I have tried to do something in that fashion every year since.

This have kinda changed since I've had kids. Having children around the holidays is cool, because I remember how much I loved getting together with my family. Thanksgiving and Christmas was the only time that I got to see my father's family. We would all meet at one person's house, and it was a pot luck, so we had certain dishes to look forward to every year, like Aunt Joyce's deviled eggs with the perfect amount of paprika, and Nancy's strawberry cake. My dad was known for his sausage biscuits. We all would gather together and visit for a while before eating, and before the meal, my dad, being the eldest male, would always say something about the particular holiday and then ask the blessing. Even later when my beliefs changed from my father's, I still appreciated what it meant to everyone else, and realized how precious these times were. As a mother, I want my children to have the same fond memories of the holidays.

Yesterday, it was all about the presentation. My sister in law is a wonderful hostess. She has a lot of money, and a beautiful house in the Philadelphia posh suburbs. Yesterday, she was expecting 16 people for Thanksgiving, so she decided to rent tables and chairs and use her dining room table as a buffet. This worked out well. She did most of the cooking, as she usually does - and does extremely well, I might add - and a few people brought desserts. I was really making an effort for my children and my husband to make the day wonderful and memorable. I know that the whole thing about what the settlers eventually did to the Native Americans was horrible, but that is NOT what Thanksgiving is about.

The night before Thanksgiving, at church, we were given loaves of bread with a prayer attached. The idea was to break the bread and pass it to everyone around the room and then say the prayer for the blessing before the meal. I asked my hubby to help me accomplish this, thinking people would listen to him more, since the majority of the people were his family, the exception being my mother and her fiance' and my sister-in-law's friend and her husband and son. Anyway, the food was all out on the table, and everyone was gathering, and my mother-in-law was making a plate for my father-in-law already because he hadn't been feeling well. My husband began to try to say something about the bread and about that time my sister-in-law started going off about how everyone should be getting the food because GOD FORBID it not be piping hot on your plate, and so everyone disregarded what my husband was saying and started to get their food...which probably shouldn't have upset me. I just feel like I have enough trouble as it is, not liking holidays and getting all sad about my dad and about missing my friend's back home, the LEAST they can do is try and help me make this day a little different from all the other for my children's sake. I want them to look back on holidays and remember family traditions and seeing people, not getting together and eating while it's hot and then having dessert and then going home. It was just like another day for them, sans the extra folks.

So the whole bread thing upset me, and I tried to not show it, and I may not have to everyone, but that's okay. It's over now, and I tried. Now they want to do Christmas Pollyana style. I don't like this idea, but that's another blog for another day.

Happy Tofurkey day.....

Liberty Overalls.....

I had the weirdest dream on Friday night about a guy that I was briefly involved with. It didn’t work out romantically, but we remained close. He was in love with me, and didn’t mind telling me that all the time, but I never felt the same way. I tried to feel it, but it just wasn’t there….and I know how shitty it can be to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back….that’s another blog for another day….I was up front with him. I told him that I loved him as a person, and I appreciated the beautiful and wonderful person that was he, but that the romance type love just wasn’t there. He was a big man. He was taller than I and worked as a bouncer and as security at a few local Atlanta places. He led somewhat of a tragic life. His father committed suicide when he was young, and he dropped out of high school to care for his ailing mother, who died young as well. He was in bad health, but it was almost inevitable for him. He developed some serious problems, but gradually was trying to make himself better. I tried to stay there for him. I talked to him on the phone almost daily, and went to visit him as often as I could. He always told me how much he loved me, and how he understood that we could never be involved, but he appreciated our friendship, and I cherished it as well. He was a sweet, sweet man with just a bad deal of the cards.

The dream disturbed me. I woke up and suddenly wanted to talk to him. Right before I moved away, I talked to him. He had some surgery and was waiting to be placed in a rehab facility, and wasn’t sure where he would be. I left him all f my information and told him to get in touch with me as soon as he had a stable place to stay. He assured me that he would get in touch with me. He knew my mom as well, so he knew that he could call her if he lost my info. I told him to make sure and stay in touch with me. I told him that if something happened to him, no one would call me, because no one knows how to get in touch with me.

And no one did call me. I googled his name and found an obituary. I found an obituary that was over a year old. My stomach rolled around. I started to shake. I couldn’t believe it. I read it again and again, making sure that the birthday listed was his…making sure that the name was the same..and it was…right down to the middle name. It was plain as day and I am sad. I am so sad that no one got in touch with me. I am so sad that I didn’t try harder to stay in touch with him. Maybe there was something I could have done to help him. He used to always call me when he was down. I would promise to stay on the phone with him until he felt better. I feel terrible that he is gone, and worse that an entire year has passed….and still worse that I never got to say goodbye.

Goodbye, R. Even though I couldn’t love you the way that you wanted me to, I did love you. You were unique and special, and you didn’t deserve all the bad things you had to deal with in life. Thirty-five is way too young to die. I hope that wherever you are is kinder to you than this life was. You deserved so much better.

He makes me want to sing....

Okay, so I was poking around on this chick singer's web site and found this beautiful creature...





It has been a long time since I was literally moved to tears by a voice that just has the heart... He looks kinda like Cat Stevens with a bigger nose. He has the same little bobbing thing going on, and the same kinda feeling and heart, but it's all his own....

from Shelter...

"Listen when all of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you ..."

He is pure and beautiful, like a singer/songwriter should be. He makes me want to write. I could listen to him forever...

Possession, DUI, failure to maintain lane, eluding law enforcement, habitual violator, et al....

I made it through the singing....I'm at about 85% voice, which isn't that bad, so it sounded half-way decent. Sunday I was at about 40%, so I was thankful that it was all audible.


I saw Jim's name in the Bartow blotter. I hate that I have to read that every day just to see what's going on with some of my old acquaintances. Jim was more of an acquaintance though. He brought out so much in me at one time. I will never forget the first time that I saw him. I was completely mezmorized; entranced; He was tall - taller than I am. He had long red hair and it was in braids all piled up on the top of his head. We were sitting in the waiting area of the principal's office. He was a new kid. He was from California. He had Doc Martins that went up to his knees and they were GREEN! I wanted to know him. I wanted to want him.

He dated a friend of mine, so I started hanging out with her more to be around him. There were stories of him taking her virginity. There were parties I never had the guts to go to. Somehow, we became friends....then he dropped out of school. I would seee him occasionally in town. He drove a little black volkswagon GTI with a red stripe down the side. When I worked at K-Mart, he and Jason and a couple of the other guys in our group of friends would come by and I would give them stuff for free...."just pretend to scan it and put it in the bag!!"---Anything for him to think I was cool. He was so gorgeous.

He came back to school. He sought me out. Suddenly, we were seen together all the time. We sat together at school functions. We walked to classes together. We stood outside after school and talked. He told me his problems. I told him my dreams and fears. He shared them with me. We connected. We understood each other. He became so much more than beautiful in my eyes, and I believed that I was in his. We always managed to run into each other at crazy times.

Then, he disappeared. For over a year, I never heard from him. I never saw his little black GTI around town. I never heard from his family....until the DAY of my wedding to my first husband. I was at my house getting ready, and the phone rings. It was him. Out of nowhere he called me, right before my wedding. He came over to my house the next day and brought his girlfriend and we started hanging out as a foursome. Things were cool. We shared life and drinking and various other abuse of substances....then I got divorced and he disappeared again.

I can't quite remember how I got back in touch with him. I remember running into him and sharing almost $90 worth of Hennessey at Applebee's. After that, things get kinda fuzzy. I think he started calling me from jail. He always had to call collect, and called all the time. I started to visit him. I visited him faithfully. A part of me still wanted more from him. A part of me would have done anything for him. When he got out of jail, we were together all the time. I finally got to know him in all the ways I had wanted to. I taught him how to kiss, an he taught me to let go. I did let go, but by then it was too late. He had begun his downward spiral long before I came along. His insight was fading; his intellect gone. We no longer shared any dreams or fears. He became the victim...the one who always got the raw deal...the why guy...My life was changing.

My relationship with the man i loved at the time was ending. My father was dying. My daughter was growing and demanded me to GROW UP. The night before my dad went into the hospital for the last time, Jim was at my mother's house with me. Then, he disappeared.

He showed up a couple of months later at my house in Atlanta. He didn't tell me why he was there until a couple of days later when he told me he was hiding from the cops. I told him I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't put any risk on my daughter. I put him out of my house, and out of my life.

My mother said to me tonight "I saw in the blotter where ole what's his name was in trouble with the law again..." Some things never change I guess. I hate that I always see the potential in people...what they "could be" instead of what they really are and who they really are. I've been bitten in the ass again and again for that. I still care about him. I knew the beautiful wonderful him. I'm glad I did. I'm glad I had him in my life. I just wish there was more to his.

Adding insult to injury.....

The Septa strike sucks. I get to carpool, which is cool, but the parking deck at my job is $21 per day. It all sucks very much. I don't have a lot of time to blog about it right now, but I will soon. Right now, I feel like death from some respiratory malfunction, and I hate that Septa is on strike. Dammit. Marta never went on strike. I hate unions.

ARGH!

MUST......SING....TODAY......

HAVE....TO....SING......

HOT....WHISKEY.....GOOD.....GOOOOOD........

HELP....WOMAN.....SING..........

what was I thinking....

I now know how to end the war: send a bunch of 8 year old girls with flashlights.

The flashlights were my brilliant husband's idea, and he is brilliant. They flashlights made the whole night at Ana's slumber party. I spread out blankets and sheets and had pillows all over the living room floor and furniture, and then hung streamers all around the room. Billy blew up balloons and the big punching thingys and tossed them all over the room. After pizza and cake they danced in the dark in their pajamas with flashlights all night long. It was great for them. They had a blast. Billy even let them put make up on him! I'll hafta post pictures of that as soon as I get them.

I tried to sleep on the couch, but I couldn't, and so I was back and forth between my bedroom and the living room all night. They finally crashed around 12:30 or 1am. Dropping like flies....it was funny. And then they were up at like 7:45. I am completely exhausted. I lost my voice. Funny how that's always the first thing to go when I don't get sleep...especially when I'm supposed to sing the next day.

Billy took them to the playground. They all should be going home soon. Then, tonight, it's a nice hot bath and a few hot whiskeys for me....

and a good night's sleep.........

ahhhhhhhhhh...

A Mental Health Day.....

It is so nice to be home with my little one today. It's going to be a long weekend, so I decided to take a day to clean house and relax. It's been a while, and I deserve it, I think. The coffee is still hot; I'm in sweat pants and a t-shirt; I'm wearing my glasses, and my hair is all curly from being washed last night. My state of mind is incredible. If I can get my house clean I'll feel even better, but for now, a good cup of coffee and daytime TV sounds really nice while the baby is napping. The cleaning can wait for another hour or so. I even got out my piano books this morning and fingered through some Chopin and Schumann...I think I'll plink around on my mandolin too.

oh...to be a housewife....to be independantly wealthy and not have to work....

I don't think I'd get bored...

And she sang Amazing Grace...with a voice that made me all warm inside....

Buddy’s funeral was yesterday and it was a very suitable service. It was mildly religious, but not a Catholic mass or anything. Only 5 of us from work were there. I thought more would come, but everyone had gone to the wake the night before, so they didn’t want to go to the funeral.

I have issues with dead bodies. I think it’s crude that people put dead bodies on display for people. They never look good, in my opinion. When I was young my cousin committed suicide. I think that was the first time that I ever saw a dead body. I remember my aunt standing with her son over the body. She was playing with her dead daughter’s hair. I remember thinking that she looked like a doll. Her skin didn’t look soft and nice, but like felt almost. I remember saying to my parents that it was the worst day of my life. She was a beautiful girl, buried in her prom dress. It was silver taffeta with black polka dots. I remember when she got it. She died from a prozac overdose. She was 18.

When my grandfather died, there was kind of a screen on the casket over his body. He had died of liver cancer, and was kind of yellow. I decided then that I had had enough of dead bodies. When my aunt passed away, I was so devastated that I didn’t even go to the wake. Then the next day, when it was time for the funeral, I asked my mom if I could see the body, and I found out that my aunt had been cremated. I was even more upset. When I was 18 a friend was killed in a car accident. She had a little Geo and was hit by a tractor-trailer. Somehow, they managed to make her body presentable for the wake. She had on a lot of make up, but she always did, so it wasn’t that bad – But when my friend Beth died in a car accident when I was 19 – 3 days after my first daughter was born – it was obvious that her fingers were broken. She had on very dark make-up and dark lipstick…and she never even wore make up. Her mom said to me – “She looks so peaceful..” I remember thinking – “NO!! She doesn’t! She looks like HELL. It’s not her! It’s a DEAD BODY!..”

I can’t remember what my father looked like in the casket. I vaguely remember him in the hospital bed when I walked in and they told me that he was gone. I remember a room full of people that had all gotten there before me, even though I lived the closest to the hospital. I remember hugging my sister, and looking over at the body, and immediately running out of the room. That was a dead body. That was NOT my father.

Buddy’s mustache was too short. His skin looked rubbery and strange. His skin was an odd color. – And one of the girls that used to work with us, who barely knew him – said “He looks good…” Dammit. It was a DEAD FUCKING BODY, and he looked HORRIBLE.

At least they dressed him in jeans and a polo. If he’d had on a suit I’d have been yelling at people.

I meant what i put the first time....

Under the advice of the ever so proper Pablo over at kungfu, I have adapted the title of my blog.

I will elaborate. When I moved to Philly, it was a new start. I picked up and left everything and everyone I had ever known, and completely started over. I even cut my hair off and dyed it red! I'm back to my natural blonde now, but the thing is, I started anew. I am no longer a Georgia girl. I am from Georgia, but by transplant, I am a PHILLY GIRL. I have made a new life for myself in Philly. I am happier, I am healthier, and I am doing damn well, if I do say so myself!

Anyway, I was told that i may be throwing some people off, and if I have, I apologize. I aim to please....Pablo anyway....and so I have adapted my title.

Everybody have fun.

www.kungfuonline.org

get some.

Friday: Me and the drink....

Wow…what a weekend.

I have a taste for good Irish whisky. I used to drink Scotch; and while I still enjoy a good single malt, I can pace myself.

I love Irish whisky.

Sometimes there are people that you just click with. I like to think that they are in the same soul group.

Last Friday was Raul’s last day in our office. He is going to be a warrant investigator. He and I pretty much hit it off from the start. He kind of reminds me of one of my good friends from back home. He’s Italian, and from South Philly. He is older than I am, but not by much. He is a very unique person, and we relate very well. His is in that soul group of mine that I consider to be very small. We have a very close relationship. It’s not romantic or anything, but we have a great time together. On Friday, we had so much fun.

We started at lunch. My friend Laura and I got him a few small gifts, most of which were meant to be gags, but just the same, they were gifts. Let me just first of all say that my friend Laura is absolutely gorgeous. She is tall and thin and beautiful and sweet and physically flawless, with a wonderful personality. Ralph has wanted her for a long time…and he’s not the only one. Anyway, she managed to get our lunch tab taken care of by the owner of the bar where we had been, and needless to say, Ralph and I were unable to leave when everybody else did. He and I hung out until we felt that we could walk, and then went back to work, where I poured my heart out to my judge’s personal. I think he was a bad influence.

After work, I met Raul at his favorite bar, Fergie’s. I have been there a few times with him. A couple of our other co-workers were there. That’s where the whisky came in. It went down way to easily. It was way too good. I had such a wonderful night. I haven’t had that much fun in a long time.

Thanks, Mo and Ralph…..

my Buddy

Today I lost a good friend. I miss him.

He was a great man. He had the best stories ever. I will really miss him.

One of the last times I saw him was at the 50th birthday party for a friend that we work with. It was a great time. I hung out with him most of the night. How could we know that he would be dead in less than a month. We had a wonderful time together that night. He was a gentle man with a pure heart.....

did I mention his stories???? Non of them are quite appropriate to type...in fact, I was the only girl to hear most of them...but they were absolutely great.

We had our own wave.

He would always tell Georgia hello when he was driving through on his way to Florida. Now, i'll have to tell Florida hello for him.

Rest in Peace, Buddy. Go fishin.

i'll miss you.

A moment.....

I dated a guy years ago. We were pretty serious, I thought. We were never in the same place. Something that he said struck me today, almost out of nowhere, but not completely unfounded. He knew that I had grown up in church, and had since completely stopped going for whatever reason. He was never really into church at all. One day, out of the blue, he tells me that I should go to church. It wasn't in a "you need Jesus" kind of way. It was more like "you might function better if you had something more to be involved with, i.e. church..."

After my father died, I went to a social event with the church that my mother had been a part of for years. It was not the church that I grew up in. It was very small, and it seemed that everyone was either blood related, or had married into each other's families....so typical country southern baptist church. I surprised myself at how much fun I had, so I started going semi-regularly. Sometimes I got something out if it, sometimes I didn't...but I enjoyed it. It was some structure in my live that I had been missing. Maybe that's what he meant...maybe it was the structure.

When I moved up here, I went to several different churches. I didn't like to go without my husband. He told me that if I would *please* go to a Catholic church, that he would go....this after actually going with me to the Calvary Chapel...which he so lovingly refers to as a cult. I decided to give the ole Catholic church a try. Ana would be going to school there anyway - since the public schools are shit - so I started going, and I actually found all the ritual stuff to be cool. Baptists are minimalists when it comes to the actual worship service. The churches are not particularly fancy, and there isn't a lot of ritual involved. To me, the ritual seemed humbling. At any rate, to make a long story shorter (kinda), I went through the RCIA classes, was amazed at how liberal and free thinking and accepting this church was, and decided to convert. I joined the choir and everything.
I think it's the singing again on a regular basis...Especially when the director handed me a song tonight and asked if I could "take a look at the verses..." It's a beautiful song by David Haas called "Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled." It's not very difficult. It's very simple and beautiful.

It makes me smile.

A lot of ridiculousness......

It’s ridiculous that I work my ass off at a job that I
don’t hate, but get paid NOTHING for. It’s ridiculous
how I am treated like a child there. It’s ridiculous
that the interpreter in my court room right now barely
speaks Spanish. It’s ridiculous that this Assistant
District Attorney has a job. It’s ridiculous that it
is almost 2pm, and I’ve had no hint of a lunch break.
It’s ridiculous that I read blogs of my ex-boyfriend’s
girlfriend(s). It’s ridiculous that she seems so
contented with him. It’s ridiculous that knows
exactly what to do to make girls fall for him. It’s
ridiculous that we have 2 incomes in our house, and no
money. It’s ridiculous that my husband has a college
degree, and that I have some college education, and we
still are broke. It’s ridiculous that we live in a 2
bedroom apt with 2 kids, a dog and a hamster, and of
late, a mouse. It’s ridiculous that my house stays
such a f*cking mess. It’s ridiculous that all the
people in the room where I am are talking at once.
It’s ridiculous that I haven’t found another job yet.
It’s ridiculous that I can’t get a good gig at a
decent bar here. It’s ridiculous that my sister is
dating a complete loser. It’s ridiculous that I don’t
update this blog more often. It’s ridiculous that my
friend in Atlanta can receive emails from me, but
cannot send any to me. It’s ridiculous that I go down
to Georgia about twice a year. It’s ridiculous that
there are people that I haven’t seen since my wedding
that I consider to be some of my “best” friends. It’s
ridiculous that I haven’t smacked this ADA in the head
yet. It’s ridiculous how cold it is in this room.
It’s ridiculous that we have such a whack job for a
president in this country. It’s ridiculous that this
interpreter begins every sentence with the word
“entonces.” It’s ridiculous that my Spanish is better
than his. It’s ridiculous that I am actually sitting
here, typing this out, with all this going on and I’m
hungry and cold.

NICE!!!!!

Your Daddy Is Pedro Martinez

What You Call Him: Daddy Dearest Why You Love Him: He's your sugar daddy

Who's Your Daddy?

go figure.....who'd've thunk it?

You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Moderate (50% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

after all....sell out???

yanno the kid in the middle? Well, Who did you think he was?!?

OH MY GOODNESS!! is all I have to say about the John Mayer Trio...John's newest incantation of musicians. I used to ogle at this man years ago at Eddie's Attic and Smith's Old Bar, and even talked to him a few times. He used to wear this great rainbow striped sweater that he looked absolutely amazing in...but that was before the fame..the name in lights...crazy weight loss...strange versions of songs I used to love.... There was this one night that I went to see him at Eddie's, and he was on fire. At one point, he got the electric guitar, and just started going off! He walked over and sat down at a table with the guitar, and just played the $hit out of it!! As a musician myself, I really truly noticed, appreciated, and was amazed at the talent of this guy. I even emailed him and offered to sing back up if he ever needed it. He emailed me back, saying he'd let me know....

Next thing I know I'm living in Philly, and I'm hearing his song on aisle 7 in my neighborhood supermarket. He has really made it....if making it is selling out...

So he made his money, had some great hits, lost some weight, but stayed pretty hot, played some great shows to a bunch of screaming young girls...but never really got to show off his guitar skills on any albums. I haven't been impressed by his studio albums thus far. I've bragged to my friends about how great he *really* is... Then I see something that says "John Mayer Trio" and I wonder if it's the same guy....so I stumble over to www.johnmayer.com and I hear this AMAZING guitar riff with drums coming in, and an all out JAM!! I was completely FLOORED!!!!

He made his money...and used it to go back to what he really wanted to do to start with. Props to John Mayer. I've got my itunes downloaded (the only place you can get these new tunes) and it's cranking over and over again. This dude has talent. I've seen it. Now I'm glad that he's put it in an album.

I wonder if I could get a main stream hit out of any of my tunes....i'll have to post an mp3 on here and get opinions from you guys. What do ya think?

Current Events

SO for those of you that read me regularly...all 3 of you...you know that I usually am not into posting about current events, news, politics, and the like. It is mostly because I am married to a government teacher, who is also a wannabe politician, and a news ADDICT!! He always watches CNN, which I don't mind, but the last week has been NOTHING but Katrina coverage!! I am not saying that they don't need coverage. I will agree that this is the worst natural disater in our country in my lifetime, and I am absolutely embarrassed at the incompetency of our Federal government. It's just plain sad and ridiculous. The search and rescue effort has not even gone close to Chalmette, where my brother used to live. His wife is in Bilouxi. Her company travels to different places after disasters and helps in clean up. She spent a lot of time in Florida last year, and will be in Mississippi and Louisiana for a while now. She said that to see it first hand is just incredible. There are so many people stranded...so many people without a home...and I am just soo thankful that they don't live there anymore. We are still trying to get in touch with people we know down there, as so many people are. For anyone reading this...no one is being let in or out of St Bernard's Parish. The place has been declared a complete loss. I can't stand to think about it.

And all I want is for my husband to change the damn channel.

peace of mind

is this homesick?

but i couldn't believe that I actually used to live there. I just kept walking around in circles thinking HOLY F%CK!!! The people are so plastic. Not even their hair moves. The worst part are the ones that live and act like they don't even live there. I loathe there; but I loathe here(?). I walk around foreign
not knowing where
to go, where I've
been
The city laid out before me
huge and living and loud
and strange and fake and foolish
and wanting to be away; but
longing to be here
where there is home
but not really
but neither is 101 Greenacre Lane in rural NW georgia
where the heart was
5 years ago my heart left
It is coming back gradually, but in
pieces, scattered
in Philly and in C'ville and
everywhere else

And you told me that intellectual stimulation could not be sensual; but by definition only; make me sound un-learned and so what? Who have I to impress? What have I to prove?

I've got to get out of here, or stay here, but first and foremost, figure that out.

I pray for the people in NewOrleans. I hope there are no people in New Orleans. They'll have nothing to go home to but water. God be with them.

but it isn't for 4 more months!?!

B is buying me an amazing birthday present. I've had the itch for a while, and today we finally went for a consultation. We showed the artist what we wanted to incorporate and we have an appointment on October 13 to see what the final product will look like. Then, on Nov 5, I will have my first session, and 3 weeks after that, my tattoo will be finished, and I will have one of the most impressive birthday presents ever. I found a really cool Celtic tree and sun with some knot work that is all gonna be worked in together to make a gorgeous tatt on my back. I've been saving my back for something good and big and impressive, and this is gonna be all of the three. The girl that worked there was kind of a bitch, but once Billy got over that, we got really excited. I can't wait to see what the artist comes up with!

The other new thing in our life right now is HOUSE BUYING. We got approved for a mortgage and now we just have to find a house - and a down payment - so the broker told us, "if ya find something you like, make an offer..." Those are scary words. I mean, I really want a house, but it's a huge undertaking, and I want to make sure that we get what we want. It would really suck to buy a house, and then see something else that we like better. Real estate is just stupid right now....

Anyway, i'll post pics of houses and my tatt eventually. YAY!

a clarification.....

i think i was misunderstood with the kinky thing. It wasn't kinky in MY definition....more just weird. One of us actually sharing that we did it is part of the fantasy for him...i'm just not sure how it looks on the outside. We are totally into doing our own thing and not sharing most things, but this was just different.

This comes as a reply to a friend's blog who told me that I was f-ing it up(?) It's not seedy, nor is it gross to share what we did. It's not like he touched me here, or I licked him there. It was the roles that were played, who played them, and how. It was very interesting, and I felt that sharing these things in cyberspace could give other players validation in things that they do. Some people like to be adventurous. Some people like to be gross. Whether or not my man or woman and I are into any perversions or strange sexual escapades is completely between us. This falls under a whole new realm of weirdness.

this friend is the only one who reads this anyway.....


Pity how voice inflection and facial expression simply can not be expressed in typing.

you did WHAT?!?

YAY! We finally got over our tiff, and have come to some agreements. All-in-all, things are gonna be fine. Things are wonderful, and we got FREE tickets to the Allman Brothers show tonight, so I am TOTALLY stoked.

um....so....we just did something totally kinky and weird, and we're sure that no one else does it, and it was fun and funny and exciting and freaky....

and no, I'm not telling what it was

no, not even you....OR you!

Unless you can tell me something you've done that's funnier or weirder. First. And I'm the judge. If yours isn't f-ed up enough, then I don't have to tell you.....

know-it-all

So i've learned now the hard way that it's perfectly okay to keep some things a secret. Even when you love someone, and feel you know them inside out, you are going to have secrets from each other, and that's okay. People have secrets for a lot of different reasons. The other night, I got nosy...then I decided to get funny...and ended up being all girly and "we should know everything about each other..." and then I learned NO, we don't have to know EVERYTHING. There are things that I found out that I would have been fine never knowing. I'm fine knowing them, but it hurt the person who told me, and no I feel worse than I did when I didn't know anything. I admitted things I never wanted to admit, and probably shouldn't have. My feelings never changed. My love didn't change....if it did, it's stronger....Nobody got angry. Both of us got upset and felt badly and cried. I feel insecure. Both of us know that we can get through this, but it's gonna take a little while. Both of us are trying to wish the conversation completely away..but now it's out there, and it is marred by things that we will never forget. Hopefully it will fade with time, and I'll have learned to keep my damn mouth shut.

what a girl wants

And she's already in the fridge; With the apron on. She paraded around that house as if she owned the place, opening and closing doors, and getting her fingers smushed in the cabinets. It was priceless. She had a great time with her "nana and cogin." Do I actually miss that place? I don't think I'm willing to admit it just yet. This last visit was so weird. Just weird. After being outside the bubble....especailly one so thick and drastically different than what has become my *new* norm....it's just weird.....

got my fix...

Just before July fourth my father's sister passed away after a substantially long illness. I used this as an excuse to go to the bass-ackwards south. It was a nice visit....kind of surreal.

My flight was delayed and delayed and delayed again, which was no big deal, but actually worked to my advantage because the baby slept the entire trip(only she and I went). My plane ride began with a particularly odd encounter with the guy sitting next to me. The plane smelled so badly! The captain came over and was talking with a few of us, and told us that the stench was due to live crab that was in with the cargo earlier that day. It seems the container had been leaking. It was such an atrocious smell! So the guy next to me had already been joking around with me about the smell, and then about how cute the baby was, and how well behaved - she was asleep....what could she have done... - anyway, the plane finally began to taxi towards the runway, and they dim the lights "for our comfort" and the man takes it upon himself to grab my thigh and pat it and rub it a minute, and then kind of leaves his hand there for just a moment. I didn't say anything - I think it was shock....but then he finally moved his hand and didn't do it again...and then when we got to Atlanta, asked me if I had a place to stay there, and I assured him that I certainly did!!

I mean, I KNOW i'm fine, but damn......teeheeheheh

Over the river and through the woods.....

Let's do the Timewarp again....

SO....

I did really well this week at watching what I was eating and walking at night. I was very proud of myself, and today, i barely ate a thing....so I was kinda lightheaded when I got home. I hadn't had anything to eat all day except for a spring mix salad with some tofu....

so that pizza dinner is okay, right? and what about the party cake ice cream that I'll try to justify later tonight???

Hello stomach....i am diet, your worst nightmare.

i think last night.......

I had the perfect melody and some great lyrics all the way to work this morning. I sang it over and over again so that I wouldn’t forget it. I walked into work, wrote the lyrics down…

And completely forgot the melody.

Dammit.

And Lance was a no show.....

We went to the USPRO Cycling championships today. It was a lot of fun. Our friend has a house right along a strech of the race called "the Wall..." It's a hill in a neighborhood called Manayunk that is very steep and gradual. I could barely walk it with my out of shape self, so I'm sure the cyclists were having loads of fun trying to bike up it! The course is 10 laps and 156 miles. Everytime they came around, we ran outside to cheer, and then back inside to the cool air conditioning!! I am a little sunburnt, but we had a wonderful time.

I'm going vegan i think. I got some health test results back, and while they are not incredibly horrid, neither are they incredibly wonderful. I am a sloppy vegitarian, and I really eat like I'm stupid, so I'm gonna stop that and get myself in gear. I have to get myself back in shape, and be on the road to living my life like I want to again....which after today may also put me looking at houses in Manayunk...!!!

Spring Cleaning....

Okay, so Spring is almost over, and I am finally cleaning out everything. I am packing away baby clothes, in case I have another, and packing away the elder's nicer things for the younger to eventually wear. I came across some old pictures, which was nice because I found some frames as well. I got new shelves at IKEA and I am putting pictures on them, and now I have pictures of more than just my family.

I found an incredibly gorgeous picture of J, and a picture of L from highschool. They are both 5x7, and I incidentally found a double 5x7 frame....so now 2 of my closest friends are next to each other for me to see and blow kisses at every day. yay. I miss you guys, and love you dearly.

Reading Rudolf Steiner. L, you should check this dude out. Austrian philosopher. Good stuff...

Waffle House

i wish people would come and visit me, because I can't afford to go home. I miss everyone and everything and it makes me so sad. I don't want to be so unhappy. I'm really not terribly unhappy...i just want to go home.....and I don't know where that is. I want everything back. I want my life at 19 to start there over again. I want to sing. I want to play. I want to be happy. I want to be free. Someone please come and visit me and cheer me up and bring me some hashbrowns, scattered, smothered and covered......

i want him to come home....

He went to a movie with his friend and I am lonesome. I want him to come home, slide into bed with me and hold me all night long like when we were first dating. I used to fly up to philly, and the last night of being here was always so sad because I was leaving, and he would hold me tight all night, and everything would feel so amazing. I want to feel cherished and respected and loved for who I am. I want him to nuzzle into the nape of my neck and rub his beard against the back of my earlobe. I want the romance and the excitement and the goosebumps that I got 2 years ago. We are still supposed to be newlyweds...so where did it all go? I love him, and I don't want to be so used to him. I still want electricity from a kiss...but I rarely even get a kiss anymore. It's hard not to think that it's me, but wrong to think that it is. We are both busy and tired. I do not doubt his love, nor mine, but I want to be all giddy and bubbly about him like I used to be.

looking back

Spoke briefly with an old friend today. Was led to a blog, perhaps for bragging rites? I dunno, but it is very interesting. It's interesting to hear how much someone else loves someone that you used to love. It's so strange to look back at that time in my life, and how different I am now. There are so many things that I can look at in my past that are big deals, but did nothing to affect the way that I am now; but to look back to a time in my life when things were so different...and to know that that time and the person that I spent that time with completely shaped who I am today..... the events that occurred back then define me now. I don't know why I keep dealing with this over again in my head. I do not love him at all anymore..but my heart literally physically aches when I think about how much I LOVED him. I would not be the person that I am, had I never met him or had him in my life....whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen....It's just so weird, for lack of a better word, to hear someone else feel for him what I felt....to know and to be able to relate to the things she says about him....it's just weird. She seems to be a nice girl. She is a musician.

Why the hell didn't I finish school? I would love the right to say that and mean it. "I am a musician..." Back in GA I used to say it all the time; back when I lived with mom and was out playing and singing every weekend, and had no other livelihood but that....but now, I feel like I have to say "I work for the court system, which absolutely sucks, and I am a complete and utter sell-out and slave to the system, despite my absolute pitch and above average vocal abilities....because I couldn't get serious enough about what I really wanted, because when I was 19 I messed up and got pregnant, and pretty much screwed my chances of becoming a rock star..." but that sounds like I resent my kids, which my have been the case way back when, but I wouldn't trade them for the world now...not even for a record deal or a chance at the Mozarteum....

I'm just sick of wondering what would have happened if.....

How much do I love these girls?? More than I could ever explain....but when they are this precious, how could you not love them?!? 

Happy Birthday peanut!!! Oh, how we learned to love cake.... 

getting over it...

I have to find a way to deal with the stress in my life. It has begun to affect my health, and that is just not cool. I love my children and my husband, but I let everything get to me. The real problem is me, and I think I am finally starting to realize that. I have to get myself in order. I need to take it day by day, and not look at the big picture as much. If I can do the things I need to do today, then I have accomplished much. One day at a time is how I should do it….now the only problem is doing it.

I’m sick of bullshit. I’m sick of fake people. I’m sick of being driven crazy by people. If I had finished school, I’d have a job that I loved, and I’d be surrounded by educated, mature people…instead of uneducated abusers of the English language who only got where they are because of who they know.

I don’t mean for this to be a blog full of bitching and complaining, but that is how it has seemed to turn out. When I am reminded of my mistakes every day, I just get frustrated.

Until I know that I have no reason to worry about my health, I will worry and be stressed and scared, and think about all the things that could possibly be wrong with me. I hate feeling this way, and I think deep down, I know I’m fine…it’s just all the waiting on the tests results that really sucks. I hope everything is okay…I’m not sure I could deal if it’s not.

I think that if something seriously was wrong, then I would have worse symptoms. I don’t know if I’m just telling myself that to help me feel better or not. I tend to over react and get all crazy over things, and I am trying to stay calm. I will deal with whatever happens. It’s better to know, I guess.

what i am listening to....

I had forgotten until recently how much I love this band.....lyrics for your enjoyment....

Jump Little Children
"Come Around"

Ceramic tile floor fluorescent

Yellow iodine

I can feel your presence

Sedated by the heavy medicine

And come around,

come around,

come around

The flowers aren't worth keeping

The roses broke my skin

I'll pretend your sleeping

Or you fainted from the lack of oxygen

And come around,

come around

Don't you leave me here to let you down

Now I'm going home

and I've been patient,

I've waited a lifetime

Now I'm going home

and I am tired

of waiting a lifetime

Sentimental letters

Brightly colored ink

Saying, "Please get better"

I'll place them by the lilies in the sink

And come around,

come around

If you could feel it, I'd give a kiss

If it would get through, I'd whisper this

Not while your sleeping...In my safe keeping...

Faded iridescence

From your silhouette

A stare illuminescent

I haven't given up on you just yet

And come around, come around

Don't you leave me here to let you down
Now I'm going home
and I've been patient,
I've waited a lifetime
Now I'm going home
and I am tired
of waiting a lifetime

the things I never got over
like that time you just
kissed me
out of no where
in the rain when I thought that we'd never speak again
over something stupid
you didn't hate me forever
though years passed without a word
so I moved on?
And when you knew you moved back
like that time you just
sang the words
you knew
it was your part
to sing?
or to make me want you
all over again

closure is beautiful
how would I know

i guess i’m still mad.
they say it’s one of the phases
but I just can’t bring myself to
miss you
enough to actually believe that you’re
gone.
that i will never see you again
that i will never try to pry open your closed fist
to no avail

no avail or unavailable to me
as I try to live with you
gone.
to get over it would be a cruel joke
to remember life with you is
only sickness
sickness I know I’m destined for
and kick myself in the ass
time and again

and again I rationalize
life and living and stressed out
worry freak as I stay
alone without you as close as
a phonecall
gone.
like those cedar trees you had to
cut them down
because of the storm

the storm of life continues as
I try to make calm the situation of her
trying to live again
realizing that you are
gone.
she sleeps alone on your side
of the bed that was long
enough and wide as
my daughter’s smile

The smile that will never know what is
gone.
that will know a picture only....
and stories
and sayings
and wantings
to be with who she never knew
and her sister can’t remember
only the ducks

the ducks in the pond with the
fountain where he took you
that time to feed the ducks
do you remember the bread crumbs
and the huge fish that ate the
doughballs he fished with
and they took that picture
ended up in the paper
next to the NO FISHING sign that is now

gone.

Ah, the drama queen....from when she wanted to take Irish dance lessons...she tried and tried, but could never quite get that Riverdance skip down..... 

So sue me

Okay, so I'm a sucky blogger. A lazy one at best....I have no excuse, so i'll offer none, and simply move on.

I went to a funeral today. The woman was an older woman in her late 70s who died last Monday after a long, excruciating battle with emphysema. My daughter was very close to her, and begged to go to the wake, so we decided to take her. She is a very dramatic child, and she cried all night like she had lost her best friend. Her dad and I both knew that she was playing it up. Not that she wasn't sad, it's just that when she said that the dead body was smiling at her...well, that wasn't all. On the way there, she announced to us how much she enjoyed crying, and how she felt as if she may cry some at the funeral home. We told her that it was perfectly okay for her to be sad and cry....but after the fourth or fifth time kneeling in front of the body, she started to tell us that she heard her Aunt Clare speak to her from beyond...then we knew that it was time to go.

She begged to go to the funeral today, so we allowed her to go. She tried her hardest to cry. She knew that if she could just make it over to the body, that the tears would come...but her mother cut in front of her b-line towards the open casket. I grabbed her hand, and led her to our seats, on the other side of the chapel - which was in the nursing home where Aunt Clare had loved for the last couple of years. It was a nice service, kind of long, but very Catholic, right down to the Ave Maria. Then to the luncheon.

This funeral luncheon thing is very new to me. Back in the south, when someone dies, everyone takes food to their house, and maybe after the funeral, close friends and family *might* come to the house for a meal. Up here, it is a different story. After the cemetery, everyone there was invited to meet back at a banquet hall or a restaurant, and have a full catered meal. Ours today kinda sucked, but it was free food, and somewhat entertaining.

And I took a whole day off from work for this....

Also heard some news about a friend. To him, I miss you. No one knows what it's like to be the bad man....

This is how I feel today. I slept horribly and tried desperately all day to find time for a nap...Oh, for a KING SIZE bed....then I could sleep peacefully with the one I love.... 

Will it ever go away?

A week after the storm, huge frozen mounds still line the streets. Parking lots and malls are framed with ugly black and gray snow. Lawns that used to hint dying grass now offer little or no hint of grass at all; just the white snow, once billowy and beautiful, now crunchy and bothersome. I will never get over it. The people function as if it's not even there. I gawked like an 4-year-old when it began to snow, and then was baffled and pained on Monday, when I was still expected to show up for work. People wear their boots and hats and gloves and scarves and carry on through the slush like Eskimos in the summertime. It's funny watching the people up here react to winter. Some people welcome it, other people loathe it. Some people have their cute hand knitted scarves and matching hats and gloves on with the first hint of the arctic breeze. These people think that they look cute in their winter things...and are probably also the ones that are wearing tank tops and short shorts with the first hint of above 60degree weather. Then there are the people that are too cool - literally - to zip their coat, or wear gloves; This being my first winter with an actual winter coat, I zip that thing up! It makes a difference, though I'm overheated on the train into work every morning.

As I ride in, the snow changes the look of everything. I can follow footprints through fenced yards, and tire tracks through parks. I watch the SUVs and Jeeps drive like maniacs all over the ice. They think that 4 wheel drive equals immunity to slippery ice.

One year my mom was up here briefly during the winter. She remarked on how "bleak" it was more than once. She talked about how it's been proven that places with colder and longer winters have higher suicide rates and higher rates of medicated people...anti depressants....maybe that's what I need. I don't feel depressed...just homesick sometimes.

Today, a man trying to avoid a huge snow mountain on the side of the road almost drove us into oncoming traffic. My husband layed down on his horn, and the other guy began to yell and curse out the window and proceeded to call my husband a f-ing idiot, and then stopped at the light ahead of us, and continued to yell until you could hear his kid crying in the back seat...then he rolled his window back up....Back home, you may get the finger; Back home, you may get honked at; Hell, someone may curse under their breath, or with the window up...however, in GA people either don't care enough, or are in too much of a hurry to attempt to try and argue in the middle of traffic...

And this is the city that loves me back...yeah....okay.....

on the streets of Philadelphia...... 

What Am I Doing?

This is a cheesy attempt at doing something like this, but I think it may help me get some things out from time to time without having to worry about things. My other half, whom I love dearly and completely, is not good at discussing my problems or me letting things out. If I have an ache or pain, then so does he, and it's worse. If I have some sort of emotional or mental state going on, then it's all his fault....when really, all I want him to do is shut up and listen...a feat which I've been forced to believe that he is incapable of..and as a man, I am not surprised. I do not hold any of this against him. I love him very much, and have chosen him to spend my life with, and father my children....even the one that isn't his. He is a beautiful person, inside and out, yet simply a MAN, by every definition.